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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26370784">We Should Be Together</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/popushikuru/pseuds/popushikuru'>popushikuru</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, Eventual Romance, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, Love Triangles, Minor Spoilers, Slice of Life</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:20:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>35,685</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26370784</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/popushikuru/pseuds/popushikuru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Let’s date. I want to be yours,” you say determinedly. “I think we were meant to meet. We’re meant to be together, Wakatoshi.”</p><p>He considers your offer seriously. Ushijima’s always had a habit of thinking carefully before speaking.</p><p>“Okay,” he settles with.</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he mumbles quietly. "You’re right. We should be together.”</p><p>--</p><p>You've always thought that people are the most beautiful when they are passionate about something. When you meet Ushijima by some off chance at your first art exhibit, you don't expect to keep seeing him again and again. Against your childhood friends' wishes, you become more curious to learn more about the serious boy who's passionate about volleyball.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Iwaizumi Hajime/Original Female Character(s), Iwaizumi Hajime/Reader, Ushijima Wakatoshi/Original Female Character(s), Ushijima Wakatoshi/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>136</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>oc self insertSI</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. the way your eyes sparkle</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi everyone, I'm back with another Ushijima fic! This time, it showcases childhood friend Iwaizumi who is just a gem through and through. I had some other ideas with other Haikyuu characters but when this one came to me, I just started writing right away. It's inspired by specific lines in Grey's Anatomy and The Wind Rises (cannot reveal which or it will be spoilers hehe).</p><p>This one has no supernatural aspect to it and it's supposed to be an angsty slice of life story :) The overarching theme includes having a passion/dream for something and it's something I really admire in a partner so I wanted to have a go in writing about it. The original premise is actually from post-time skip but I thought it'd be more meaningful to show the early high school days. Enjoy!!</p><p>P.S. I am feeling wild &amp; am posting this w/o my sister editing so I hope it's not awful</p><p>WARNING: reader has a name &amp; so this is not a traditional reader fic</p>
    </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Edit: March 9th, 2021: Yikes it was kind of bad so edits have been made for this chapter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You’ve known Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime your whole life, but you never had a chance to see them play volleyball until your first year of high school. They try numerous times to explain the game to you, but none of it ever really stays in your head.</p><p> </p><p>You never really understood sports. It seems exhausting and you don’t like the black and white concept of winning and losing. Shouldn’t everyone be rewarded for trying their best?</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa drills it in you that winning is everything. It shows that your hard work is truly enough. It’s evidence that the blood, sweat and tears are worth it. Iwaizumi isn’t as headstrong about winning like Oikawa, but his passion for the sport drives him to seek victory. It’s gratifying.</p><p> </p><p>Even if you don’t really understand the concept of winning, <em>passion</em> is something you could understand.</p><p> </p><p>Art is your passion. You’ve been drawing since you could pick up a pencil and your thoughts are always overflowing with artistic ideas. Your imaginative mind is always coupled with your whirlwind of emotions. This causes your ideas to constantly be jumbled up with your feelings and the only way you know how to express them is through a stroke of a brush.</p><p> </p><p>You always want to share what you’re feeling. You always want to connect with others. What better way is it than through your art? You wouldn’t consider yourself an extrovert, but you find that you can live off others’ energy. You love it when others connect with your work because it means that they connect with <em>you</em>. In some way, they relate to your sporadic emotions and it makes you happy to know you’re not alone.</p><p> </p><p>It’s your dream to share your passion, your thoughts, your feelings through your art. You want to inspire others with your work, and you want to touch as many lives as you can.</p><p> </p><p>You could never fully grasp the concept of pursuing athletics, but you can understand passion. You admire how hard Oikawa and Iwaizumi work to achieve their dreams. You feel especially lucky to be able to see that passion on full display right now on the court.</p><p> </p><p>You watch Oikawa score another what others call, a service ace. You watch Iwaizumi nail a spike. They are your seniors at Seijoh and you couldn’t have been more proud.</p><p> </p><p>Why didn’t you come watch them earlier? Volleyball brings out a light in them that you’ve never seen before. You never saw that sparkle in their eyes when you watched sci-fi movies in Oikawa’s bedroom or ran around catching beetles as kids.</p><p> </p><p>People are the most beautiful when they are passionate about something. They hold the spotlight in your eyes when they have a dream. Life is boring without ambitions.</p><p> </p><p>You watch your childhood friends celebrate as they seal a spot in the prefectural finals. Today you understand a bit more about the foreign concept of winning. Seeing their faces light up reminds you that it’s their dream to succeed in volleyball.</p><p> </p><p>You run down the viewing galleries and excitedly pace around the gym entrance to congratulate them. It’s your first time watching your best friends play and you’re lucky enough to see them play in a finals match as well.</p><p> </p><p>You perk up when you see other Seijoh seniors pass you in their white and teal jerseys. It isn’t until you catch sight of the familiar perfectly kept wind-swept hair ahead of a head of dark spiky hair that you bound your way to the two tall figures. You leap into their bodies, grasping the back of their sweaty jerseys and look up at them with your brightest smile.</p><p> </p><p>“You two are amazing!” you exclaim. “Congrats! You’re going to the finals! Isn’t that really good?”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa smugly scoffs, peeling your thin arm off of him. He puts on his tough, cool guy mask that makes other girls swoon, but instead, makes you cringe. “Youko, it’s like you didn’t even believe in us or something. We were obviously going to make the finals.”</p><p> </p><p>Your jaw drops and you retract your arms back, fists clenched by your sides. “Of course I believed in you. I’ve also never seen you play so you could’ve been all talk like usual, <em>Tooru</em>,” you sneer.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi chuckles and gently rests his large hand on the crown of your head. He gives you a small smile as he ruffles your hair gently. He only started to do this once he grew taller than you. It started as a joke before, but the act has become more and more comforting. “Thanks, Youko,” he grins.</p><p> </p><p>You turn to look up into his gentle gray eyes and return the grin. “You’re welcome, Hajime,” you say sweetly. You turn and stick your tongue out at Oikawa, “I take back my congratulations for you, <em>Tooru</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa readjusts the bag on his shoulder and scrunches his nose, as if you were an unwelcoming scent. “Yeah, whatever. When we beat Ushiwaka, you can congratulate me then,” he huffs. He takes off in a cold manner, but all the years spent together tell you that he doesn’t actually intend to leave you and Iwaizumi behind in that hallway. His steps are slower and shorter than his usual gait.</p><p> </p><p>You turn to look up at Iwaizumi, lips twisting teasingly. “Ushiwaka this, Ushiwaka that. It’s like he has a crush on the guy or something.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi laughs, patting your shoulder before taking off to follow his grumpy teammate. “Well, now you’ll finally get a chance to see who Shittykawa’s crush is.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ooo, he must have better hair than Tooru if he’s caught Tooru’s attention,” you tease.</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up you two!”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>As much as you truly believed in your best friends, you also know that they’re up against a strong opponent. Oikawa never stops talking about how annoying this “<em>Ushiwaka</em>” guy is and how he’s too confident for his own good. He tells you how Shiratorizowa’s so called prodigy is overhyped and he really isn’t that good. People just give him too much credit for that swing of his.</p><p> </p><p>Unlike Oikawa, Iwaizumi tells you that “<em>Ushiwaka</em>”’ is actually an astonishing player and that his real name is Ushijima Wakatoshi. He tells you that once you see him, he’ll really live up to the hype. Oikawa’s just jealous because everything seems to work out perfectly for Ushijima in his volleyball career, unlike Oikawa. He’d never admit it to the two of you, but he’s been struggling to overcome the obstacle of challenging someone who is born naturally talented.</p><p> </p><p>You also sat through all the long discussions Oikawa and Iwaizumi had about their games, especially after a match with Shiratorizowa. They’d talk about specific plays, how they could’ve been executed better and how Ushijima just got <em>lucky</em> with his hits. They talked at length regarding how to stop him and how they wouldn’t lose in straight sets again, whatever that meant.</p><p> </p><p>You bite your nails as you watch the boy- no, man named Ushijima take another point from Seijoh. Like Iwaizumi told you, his swing is powerful and the sound the ball makes when it hits the gym floor makes the hair on your nape stand up. Even though he’s only in his second year, he’s definitely the star of his team.</p><p> </p><p>It makes you anxious to see how rattled it makes your friends and you pray the cannon of Shiratorizowa won’t be enough to take down Seijoh. It’s only the start of the game but Seijoh is already in a deep 6-point deficit.</p><p> </p><p>The first set ends rather quickly and your eyes dart to Seijoh’s huddle. You notice Oikawa’s head dipping a bit lower than usual and Iwaizumi’s hand fisting the back of Oikawa’s jersey. You glance over at the other bench and find Ushijima’s hard, focused face difficult to ignore.</p><p> </p><p>Even though all of Oikawa’s complaints have the underlying message that it’s unfair that Ushijima is born talented, you can see that volleyball also drives him. The way he plants before a jump, the way he lunges for a pass, the way his eyes sparkles when he scored. You know that Ushijima is also passionate about volleyball like your friends, if not more.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima single-handedly crushes your friends dreams and you should be sad, but a part of you celebrates with the man you’ve never met. The hints of contentment are so subtle, you’re sure anyone else would’ve missed it if they weren’t watching carefully. You watch the way Ushijima’s teammates pat his back, telling him he had a stellar game. You watch the way the edges of his lips curve into a small smile when he thinks no one is paying attention.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t mean to crush dreams, he’s just pursuing his own.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa and Iwaizumi don’t seem as down as you expect them to be when they walk you home. For some reason, they seem even more fired up. They seem determined to work even harder for a chance at nationals in their next three attempts. Your conversation is rather light-hearted, and they analyze the game as per usual.</p><p> </p><p>When Oikawa comments about how Ushijima got rather “lucky” with one particular hit, you can’t help but chime in. “That Ushijima guy is actually kind of cool, isn’t he?” you comment nonchalantly.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa sighs and shakes his head at you. “No, Youko. Also, you can’t say those things around us. We don’t like him.”</p><p> </p><p>You shrug.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>It’s almost a year later until Oikawa and Iwaizumi get a chance to see <em>your</em> eyes sparkle. You’re offered an exclusive offer to be showcased in an art exhibition along with other established and upcoming artists. Even your athlete friends understand that having a showcase at your age is rare in the field, even if it’s just for one piece.</p><p> </p><p>For the longest time, you painted and repainted, throwing away countless canvases because you didn’t know what debut piece you wanted to showcase. Even though you aren’t completely happy with the one you settle with, it does represent a big part of you.</p><p> </p><p>You want it to depict your biggest fear, a girl who’s afraid to be abandoned in this vast world. You named your piece <em>“Alone</em>” to demonstrate what becomes of someone when they don’t have anyone. Without intimate connections, we are but a shell of a human.</p><p> </p><p>“This is amazing, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>You grin. “You really think so?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I feel like I can see a bit of myself in this piece,” Iwaizumi muses. “I really like how you’ve shown how small someone can feel when they’re truly alone. The way you painted the girl desperately clinging onto her withering heart, being hung by a single thread… It really hits home.”</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes glitter as you look up at Iwaizumi, whose eyes are fixed and calculating as they trace your dried strokes. Having someone understand your art means the world to you.</p><p> </p><p>“This just looks straight up depressing, Youko,” Oikawa jeers, his face twisting into a frown. His fingers are lightly gripping his chin which gave you false hope that he’d say something marginally intelligent. He yelps when Iwaizumi punches his arm, <em>hard.</em></p><p> </p><p>“Iwa-chan!” he whines. “You didn’t have to do that! I didn’t say it was bad, it just looks… dark. I just like bright, colourful art okay?”</p><p> </p><p>You snicker as you watch the way Oikawa rubs his arm with a pout. “It’s nice, Youko,” he mutters, just loud enough for you to hear. You quirk an eyebrow when Oikawa’s eyes widen, as if he just spotted a ghost behind you.</p><p> </p><p>“What the hell are you doing here?!” Oikawa almost screams.</p><p> </p><p>“Shhhhh!”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa looks over his shoulder and makes sure to return the dirty looks the other attendees give him. He then quickly turns to glare at the new visitor.</p><p> </p><p>You blink twice when you identify the so-called ghost Oikawa spotted. You definitely never expected to see <em>the</em> Ushijima Wakatoshi at an <em>art</em> exhibit. It’s a rare enough sight to see him in black trousers and a white collared top compared to his usual white and purple uniform. Your eyes can’t help but notice the way his pecs bulge in his dress shirt. You shake your head. Now was not the time to be checking him out.</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes drift to his face, eyeing him warily. Even in Ushijima’s dressed up look, he still doesn’t look like the type to be into expressive art. His brain seems to only be wired around volleyball after all.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima frowns marginally when he identifies the two males with you. It doesn’t look like he was expecting to see them here either.</p><p> </p><p>“I am viewing art. Why else would I be here?”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa’s frown sinks deeper, ensuring intense wrinkles when he grows older. “You like art?” he asks disbelievingly.</p><p> </p><p>“My mother does.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa sighs exasperatedly and he makes eye contact with Iwaizumi, jerking his head in Ushijima’s direction while quirking an eyebrow. You know that look means that he wants Iwaizumi to do something about the <em>“inconvenience”</em> in front of him but you’re not sure what Iwaizumi could even do in this situation. It isn’t like Ushijima is doing anything to anybody. He’s just here to look at art.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi sighs and rolls his eyes, something he does often when spending time with Oikawa. “Why don’t you go look at your favourite <em>bright,</em> colourful art, Shittykawa?”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa’s jaw drops as he looks at Iwaizumi in disbelief. “You’re telling <em>me </em>to leave? Why don’t you tell Ushiwaka here to leave? We were here first!”</p><p> </p><p>“Why do I need to tell Ushijima to leave? He didn’t do anything.”</p><p> </p><p>“He doesn’t have to <em>do </em>anything to need to leave. He just has to.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi sighs. “You’re being an idiot. Go leave if he bothers you so much. I’m going to stay here with Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa throws his arms up in the air and storms off. Iwaizumi scoffs and crosses his arms, the bulge of his muscles doesn’t escape you.</p><p> </p><p>You nervously look up at Ushijima who has been watching the whole dramatic scene unravel with a stoic face. Even though it’s about him, he doesn’t seem bothered at all.</p><p> </p><p>You reach out your hand quickly, regretting the fact that you didn’t wipe the sweat off first. “Satomi, Youko. I don’t think we’ve met.”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima stares at your hand curiously, as if you were suddenly offering him suspicious candy. When he grasps your hand, you’re overwhelmed by how his large hand engulfs yours. His fingers are rough and calloused against the back of your hand from years of volleyball. You’re slightly relieved by the sensation; it’d be weird if a big guy like him had baby soft hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Ushijima, Wakatoshi,” he says with a nod. His eyes quickly dart to your piece, eyeing your signature. It’s messy but it isn’t illegible. “Is this your work?” he asks curiously.</p><p> </p><p>You clear your throat, nervously eyeing your piece. Instead of the comforting warmth you felt when Iwaizumi analyzed your painting, you suddenly feel extremely hot knowing that Ushijima’s now looking at it.</p><p> </p><p>“It is,” you confirm. You glance up at Iwaizumi, who shrugs casually. You’re glad he can be mature around Ushijima, unlike that idiot Oikawa.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s nice,” he states. His matter of fact tone makes you wonder if he even understands your piece. Somehow, the idea of him not understanding a wink doesn’t bother you. It feels rewarding enough that he even gets to see your work.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks,” you say genuinely. “You said your mom likes art? Is she here with you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh. I see.”</p><p> </p><p>You quickly grab your bottle of water on the small foldable table by your canvas. You always feel the urge to drink water when you’re nervous.</p><p> </p><p>“She’s one of the sponsors of the exhibition.”</p><p> </p><p>You choke, but thankfully keep most of the water within the confines of your mouth. Iwaizumi rubs your back quickly, telling you to cough it out if you need to. <em>What were the odds?</em></p><p> </p><p>You feel especially lucky when Ushijima’s mother appears, lightly resting a hand on Ushijima’s arm. You’ve never seen her before but somehow you know for certain that it’s her. Her stiff and demanding air resemble Ushijima’s but it’s magnified ten more times.</p><p> </p><p>You look up at the pair in horror. It doesn’t seem like his mother has noticed your insignificant existent. You’re a spluttering mess and you turn to cough into your elbow in hopes of clearing what’s left of the unwanted water in your throat.</p><p> </p><p>When you recover, you finally notice how fitting the mother-son pairing looks. Ushijima’s mother has her hair up in a tight bun, the lack of baby hairs makes you stare a bit longer than usual. Her forest green pantsuit matches her expensive gold jewelry. Her posture is uncomfortably stiff, and it makes you shiver thinking a powerful woman like her is paying for a measly amateur like you to be showcased here.</p><p> </p><p>“Who is this, Wakatoshi?”</p><p> </p><p>“This is Satomi Youko, the artist of this painting.”</p><p> </p><p>You note how he doesn’t pay any mind to Iwaizumi. You wonder if he even knows Iwaizumi’s name. The thought quickly slips away as you watch Ushijima’s mother inspect your canvas.</p><p> </p><p>“And what is the name of your piece, Satomi?”</p><p> </p><p>You gulp. You don’t have it in you to tell her that the title is just above the canvas.</p><p> </p><p>“Alone, ma’am.”</p><p> </p><p>You internally cringe. Calling her ma’am felt so natural but also so unnecessary. She just gives off an air of importance that makes you feel the need to be respectful.</p><p> </p><p>You hold your breath as her eyes evaluate your work. You feel so naked watching her gaze gloss over your it.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you hope to achieve with your art, Satomi?”</p><p> </p><p>A bead of sweat drips down your temple and you quickly wipe it with the back of your hand. “I want to connect with others through my art. It’s my dream to be able to portray my feelings through my work. I want it inspire others everywhere around the world.”</p><p> </p><p>You mentally pat yourself on the back for not stuttering. She hums, accepting your response.</p><p> </p><p>“And how much are you selling this piece? I would like to purchase it.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>You’re still not really sure how everything unraveled, but here you are, awkwardly standing in front of the Ushijima residence with a bottle of wine and a basket of fruits. After meeting Ushijima’s mother at your exhibit, she somehow develops a liking towards you and now you’re here to meet a friend of hers who will supposedly help kickstart your debut. If they end up liking you, that is.</p><p> </p><p>Instead of “ma’am”, she tells you to simply call her Ushijima-san. You still have an itch in your throat to address her as “ma’am” or even “Ushijima-sama” just because you’re honestly still intimidated by her authoritative aura.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima-san doesn’t want tonight to seem like a formal dinner, so she tells you that you don’t have to dress up particularly nice. Based on how the mother-duo was dressed at your exhibit, you decide to dress nicer than usual just in case. You borrow one of your mom’s cocktail dresses hoping it’s nice enough but also not too flashy. Your 17-year-old wardrobe did not prepare you for a dinner like this.</p><p> </p><p>She also mentions that because she doesn’t want it to be a stressful interview situation for you, she also invited her son home to have dinner. It seems all parents still believe the illusion that having teenagers close in age would mean they’d get along. The night was becoming more and more stressful by the minute.</p><p> </p><p>You sit stiffly next to Ushijima who watches you carefully. Today he’s wearing a pair of dark jeans and a navy polo and you practically boggle at him when he’s not looking. Are his muscles big or does he just buy a size too small?<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>When Ushijima-san answers the door and returns with a small older man, you stand up abruptly to greet them.</p><p><br/>
“Satomi, this is Nagasaki Han. He is the art director for Open Vision, I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Nagasaki, this is Satomi Youko. She is the young artist whose work I recently purchased at the last exhibit.”</p><p> </p><p>You bow deeply at the hips, hands gripping your thighs. <em>An art director? I should’ve honestly expected no less from Ushijima-san.</em> “It’s a pleasure to meet you Nagasaki-san.” When you lift your head, you make sure to bow slightly to thank Ushijima-san.</p><p> </p><p>During dinner, you find out that Nagasaki-san is a lot more light-hearted and bubblier in contrast to Ushijima-san. It makes you wonder how they’re friends, but you’re grateful that they are.</p><p> </p><p>They ask you at length about your goals and dreams as an artist and your mouth gets uncomfortably dry from all the talking. As you expect, Ushijima doesn’t get much of a chance to chime into the conversation. You feel kind of bad that he was called back home for this uninteresting dinner about you.</p><p> </p><p>You eat a lot less than usual but you’re glad Ushijima-san doesn’t say anything about it if she notices. You thank Nagasaki for his time, and he tells you it’s always exciting for him to meet aspiring artists with big dreams. He tells you you’ll hear from him soon.</p><p> </p><p>Despite Ushijima-san’s cold demeanor, she instructs her son to walk you home. You thank her graciously and begin the awkward walk with Japan’s so-called volleyball prodigy. It only hits you now that the odds of the two of you meeting through some random encounter with his mom are like one in a million. Maybe you were meant to meet.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve seen you play volleyball. You’re really good,” you nervously laugh. <em>Way to break the ice, Youko, </em>you shudder.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, I am aware.”</p><p> </p><p><em>Okay. Wasn’t expecting that level of confidence.</em> The commanding air in his voice reminds you of his mother, but instead of feeling intimidated, you feel intrigued. It must be nice to be confident in what you do.</p><p> </p><p>“Since you’ve spent all night listening to me ramble about my goals and dreams, may I ask about yours?”</p><p> </p><p>There’s a long pause that you’re not prepared for. By the way he works his jaw, you conclude that he just takes a long time to think about his answers. It’s as if saying it out loud makes it more final. You kind of like that about him.</p><p> </p><p>When he speaks, you’re surprised you’re able to see his eyes sparkle. It glimmers like the first time you watched him play volleyball. For a man of little emotion, you can at least see his passion.</p><p> </p><p>“I want to be the ace my team can rely on. I want to be Japan’s ace at the Olympics.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>mpics.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. i like the one with hayashi rice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"“You’re an idiot, you know that?”</p><p>“Shut up,” Iwaizumi grumbles from under his covers.</p><p>“Offers me a jacket and gets sick. Cool guy you are.”</p><p>Iwaizumi sighs exasperatedly under the covers, pulling it tighter against his body.</p><p>“Well cool guy, I made you soup.”</p><p>Iwaizumi visibly perks up and slowly turns to face you. Since his mom let you in his room, he hasn’t had it in him to turn to look at you. His pride was hurt in too many ways.</p><p>“Can’t say it’s good, but I mean, you can still try it.”</p><p>He pulls his blanket closer to his face, with only his eyes showing from under the covers. It was kind of cute. “You made it just for me?” he mumbles."</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>gahhh! sorry for the long wait... school has started for me and it is soooo hard to find time to write. i actually already wrote this from before and couldn't even find time to edit it. putting in the time to write a new chapter is something else!!</p><p>i am for SURE going to be updating slowly and i apologize in advance but i hope you will follow the story all the same. i have the whole plot planned out already, it is just the writing part i need to work on hahaha i promise i will see this story through to the end! this story means too much to me to drop</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey, what’re you working on?”</p><p> </p><p>You’re startled by the sudden voice but relax when you turn to see who it is. You were hunched over on a stool, neck craned to the max, eyes narrowed as you made another stroke on your canvas at your school’s art studio. It isn’t until Iwaizumi pulls you out of your thoughts that you realize you’re actually really sore from your painting posture. It really was something you needed to fix.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m painting sunfl-“ You’re not able to stop the yawn that tears through your mouth. You work your jaw a few times before continuing. “I’m painting sunflowers,” you finish.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi drags a stool from the table near you and plops down next to you. He drops his gym bag suddenly and it makes you jolt. His skin glistens in the setting sun from his sweat and you scrunch your nose at his proximity.</p><p> </p><p>“You stink.”</p><p> </p><p>He chuckles. “Yeah, sorry. Rough practice today.”</p><p> </p><p>You frown and begin breathing through your mouth. “Where’s Tooru?”</p><p> </p><p>“Still practicing his serves.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh.”</p><p> </p><p>You turn back to your canvas and cock your head to the side. It still looked a bit off to you and you’re not quite sure how to fix it.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s this one about?”</p><p> </p><p>You glance at Iwaizumi quickly, noticing how his gaze is focused, analyzing your art the same way he usually does. He always makes an effort to try to understand your art.</p><p> </p><p>“It just looks like a field of sunflowers but it’s actually about a younger sister living in her older sister’s shadow.” Your thin finger gestures to the sun at the top of the frame, “The older sister is the sun. She’s the one everyone praises and it’s clear she shines the brightest.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi’s tanned finger then reaches out to gesture to a darker sunflower, hidden by the sun’s unnatural shadow. “And that one is the younger?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” you say with a smile.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi hums before speaking again. “That’s really sad,” he comments.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, well. It happens.”</p><p> </p><p>“But the younger sister can be in the spotlight too. She’s worth praise for what she does. She doesn’t have to hide behind her sister’s shadow.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, that’s true. But the point is that she’s not as good and no one really sees her that way.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi hums and rests his chin in the palm of his hand. “You should make the other sunflowers face that one.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, sunflowers face the sun and the younger sister can still be a star. She shouldn’t let her older sister overshadow her accomplishments. She deserves the admiration too. She’s also needed.”</p><p> </p><p>You blink at Iwaizumi, taking a moment to process his explanation. “Haijime, you’re really deep sometimes, y’know that?”</p><p> </p><p>He scoffs and punches you playfully. “Yeah, whatever. Let’s go home.”</p><p> </p><p>“What about Tooru?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine, he told us to go first.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s dark by the time you leave school so you’re glad you have Iwaizumi with you to walk you home. The air is cool, and you find it refreshing how it tickles your face.</p><p> </p><p>“How was the meeting yesterday with Ushijima’s mom and her friend?”</p><p> </p><p>“It was good,” you grin. “He said he’ll help me get my work out there.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi returns your grin and you love how genuinely he smiles. “That’s amazing, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” you agree with a smile.</p><p> </p><p>You walk in comfortable silence until Iwaizumi chimes in. “What’s Ushijima like at home? Is he stiff like his mom?”</p><p> </p><p>You hum, recalling last night’s events. He didn’t get a chance to talk during dinner and you didn’t talk very much during your walk home. However, you still did learn a bit more about Ushijima. “I wouldn’t say he’s exactly the same. I think he’s rather interesting. I really admire his passion, y’know. He’s actually a lot like you and Tooru. You’re all really passionate about volleyball and it makes your eyes sparkle,” you say smiling to yourself.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi gives you a small frown before shrugging. “You better not tell Oikawa that. His heart would stop.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>It takes you by surprise when Ushijima suddenly shows up at your house with baked goods.</p><p> </p><p>“Um, hey Ushijima. What are you doing here?”</p><p> </p><p>“I have cake.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“My mother made cake for you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh. That’s nice of her. I didn’t know she baked.”</p><p> </p><p>“She always makes time for it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Youko? Who is it at the door?”</p><p> </p><p>“Um, it’s Ushijima! He brought cake.” you call back to your mom. You turn to look at Ushijima who’s still awkwardly holding up the cake, unsure whether you’re going to accept the cake or not. You smile slightly to yourself watching him and spare him from his misery by reaching out to take it from him to hug it against your chest. “Why don’t you come in?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh. That won’t be necessary.”</p><p> </p><p>“Tell him to come in! We have tea!”</p><p> </p><p>You shrug. “Are you going to say no to my mom?” you ask incredulously.</p><p> </p><p>He stares at you blankly, and then quickly glances over your shoulder. “I suppose I shouldn’t.”</p><p> </p><p>You can’t help but notice how large Ushijima looks in your house. Your dad hasn’t been in the picture for a while now and Ushijima is much taller than your childhood friends.</p><p> </p><p>He’s realistically only a few inches taller than Oikawa but his build makes him seem much larger. Your door frames are barely tall enough to allow him to pass through without him having to duck his head.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima is subtle when he looks around your house. It’s much smaller than his family home and it has a lot more mismatched furniture. You bring him to the kitchen where your mom is busy pouring tea into cups that are clearly not from the same tea set.</p><p> </p><p>“Fair warning, my mom is very talkative,” you whisper.</p><p> </p><p>He nods in acknowledgement.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah! Ushijima is it? My, you’re very tall, aren’t you?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, ma’am.”</p><p> </p><p>Looks like you’re not the only one who has the urge to call people ma’am.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh please, Satomi-san is fine. Please sit!”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima carefully sits down, shifting his weight warily as if the small wooden chair would give at any second. You stifle a laugh as he settles into a stiffer posture than usual. He quirks an eyebrow at you and frowns slightly. You can’t help but think it looks cute.</p><p> </p><p>Your mom begins to ask him anything she can think of. She’s always been especially excited to meet your friends, though you’re not quite sure you’d consider Ushijima a friend. He’s simply an acquaintance with unlikely connections to you.</p><p> </p><p>You let Ushijima suffer probably a little too long as he struggles to answer your mom’s personal questions as respectfully as he can. You learn that his favourite food is hayashi rice and that his parents had a divorce when he was young. His dad doesn’t even live in the country anymore. By the way your mom continues to drill him with questions, it makes you feel like she’s interrogating your first boyfriend or something.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, mom. I think that’s enough. We’ve kept Ushijima here far too long.” You offer Ushijima an apologetic smile. You unlock your phone to check the time and realize it’s almost 10pm. You check the date and jolt with realization. “Oh my, I’m so sorry. We shouldn’t be keeping you this late. You have Interhigh tomorrow!”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh dear! Aren’t Hajime and Tooru also playing in that? I’m so sorry, Ushijima,” your mom apologizes genuinely as she stands up to clear the table.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima turns to look at you and you’re startled to see such a soft expression on his face. You’d be lying if you said it didn’t make your face heat up slightly.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay, I don’t mind.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>You miss the first two days of Interhigh and make it for the third day to see the finals. It’s another rematch between Seijoh and Shiratorizowa and you can’t help but feel rather conflicted. You show up in your school colours, but your eyes can’t help but drift to Ushijima’s built form.</p><p> </p><p>On the surface, he has the same stoic face he always wears, but somehow you know he isn’t emotionally absent. You can tell by the glitter in his eyes that he simply wants to stay on the court the longest. He doesn’t seem driven to win quite like Oikawa is, but rather his confidence tells you that he expects to. You could really borrow some of that confidence.</p><p> </p><p>As the game progresses, you can’t help but feel mesmerized by Ushijima. It feels different watching him this time around since you’ve gotten the chance to know him off the court. He isn’t just muscle and power. He has a dream too.</p><p> </p><p>It hurts you to see your best friend’s disheartened states as they take another loss from Shiratorizowa. There really isn’t a way to stop Shiratorizowa’s cannon. Unlike the previous year, Oikawa and Iwaizumi are visibly more upset. They probably feel the pressure of being a third year, having only one more chance at nationals.</p><p> </p><p>You pace back and forth in the hallway with your nails between your teeth just outside the locker room. It doesn’t get any easier to console your friends from another loss.</p><p> </p><p>You’re surprised when Ushijima exits the locker room. It appears you were standing by the wrong one.</p><p> </p><p>“Satomi,” he states, not showing any hint of surprise or relief by your presence.</p><p> </p><p>“Ushijima,” you start. “Congratulations on qualifying to nationals,” you say too formally.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p> </p><p>If you weren’t staring so carefully, you would’ve missed the hint of a smile on his lips. You’ve never really seen this expression from him before and it makes your stomach flutter.</p><p> </p><p><em>This is wrong.</em> You shouldn’t be feeling this way. Your best friends just lost to him.</p><p> </p><p>You’re startled when someone bumps your shoulder, <em>hard.</em> You take a step back to balance yourself and turn to glare at the idiot who wasn’t paying attention. It turns out it was the opposite. Oikawa clicks his tongue as he glares at you and Ushijima.</p><p> </p><p>“Befriending the enemy aren’t you, Youko?” he hisses, his voice ringing a sharp way that hurts you exactly the way he intended to.</p><p> </p><p>You bite your lip as you watch your best friend storm out the building. Ushijima curtly nods before taking his leave as well. You nod dumbly, body rigid from Oikawa’s cold attitude.</p><p> </p><p>You don’t know how long you stand there wallowing in guilt. It wasn’t fair. Why did you have to feel guilty for talking to Ushijima?</p><p> </p><p>“Hey.”</p><p> </p><p>You turn to greet the familiar, but tired voice.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Hajime,” you sigh with a wary smile. “You did your best,” you offer.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi looks down at you, not quite matching your gaze. He adjusts his duffel with a sigh. “Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>Despite feeling disheartened by the game, Iwaizumi still insists to walk you home. On the way, it begins to rain, and he gives you his track jacket to keep you from getting wet.</p><p> </p><p>It hurts to see him so discouraged by the outcome of the game. You wish he came out as driven and motivated like the last finals match you came to watch.</p><p> </p><p>When you reach the front of your house, Iwaizumi waits stiffly for you to open the door. Instead of pulling out your keys, you close the gap between the two of you. Slowly, you lean in, wrapping your arms around his torso and pressing your cheek against his wet shirt. “It’s not all over yet, you know that right?” you mutter against his chest. You grip him tighter, hoping the warmth of your small body against his is enough to help him in any way.</p><p> </p><p>Gradually, Iwaizumi relaxes in your embrace, wrapping his own stronger arms around your small form. He burrows his nose into your temple and sighs.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah. I know, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>“You’re an idiot, you know that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up,” Iwaizumi grumbles from under his covers.</p><p> </p><p>“Offers me a jacket and gets sick. <em>Cool guy</em> you are.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi sighs exasperatedly under the covers, pulling it tighter against his body.</p><p> </p><p>“Well <em>cool guy,</em> I made you soup.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi visibly perks up and slowly turns to face you. Since his mom let you in his room, he hasn’t had it in him to turn to look at you. His pride was hurt in too many ways.</p><p> </p><p>“Can’t say it’s good, but I mean, you can still try it.”</p><p> </p><p>He pulls his blanket closer to his face, with only his eyes showing from under the covers. It was kind of cute. “You made it just for me?” he mumbles.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah. C’mon, you’ll feel better if you eat.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi slowly sits up in bed and scoots backwards to rest his body against the headboard. It’s only now that you notice how flushed his face is. You hold back telling him he’s beet red, he can probably feel it.</p><p> </p><p>You pull your chair closer to his bed and rest your feet on the edge of the mattress. It makes it easier for you to rest the bowl on your knees.</p><p> </p><p>“Here, I’ll feed you.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi flushes an even brighter red. “No, it’s okay. I’ll feed myself,” he urges.</p><p> </p><p>He pulls the bowl from you rather quickly and offers a hand for you to give him the spoon. You shrug and place it in his hot palm. Your fingers brush each other, and it makes your skin tingle feeling how hot he is. He must be running a high fever.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t have to stay y’know. You have that huge project due tomorrow.”</p><p> </p><p>You lean back and straighten your legs onto Iwaizumi’s lap, getting more comfortable in your seat. “It’s okay, I’ll just stay up later if I need to.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi sighs heavily, in a very scolding manner. “You shouldn’t stay up late all the time. It’s bad for your health,” he chides as he stirs your chicken noodle soup.</p><p> </p><p>“Says Mr. <em>Walk-in-the-Rain-and-Gets-a-Fever</em>,” you tease. Iwaizumi gives you a frown and it makes you chuckle. “Don’t worry about it, Hajime. I should be here.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi stares blankly into his soup before muttering his reply. “Thanks, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>You smile. Iwaizumi doesn’t explicitly thank you often. It makes your heart flutter when he does because you know he genuinely means it.</p><p> </p><p>“Have you spoken to Tooru?”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi takes a sip of the soup before answering. You notice the subtle crinkle in his nose but choose to ignore it. “No, I haven’t.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’d check up on him, but he kind of stormed off after he saw me talking to Ushijima yesterday.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh… I see.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi takes another spoonful of your soup and this time he isn’t able to stop his face from twisting.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s bad isn’t it?” you ask sadly.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, it’s quite horrendous,” Iwaizumi admits, as he eats another spoonful.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>The next time Ushijima shows up at your house, you don’t hear the doorbell from your studio in the basement. Your mom invites him to join you down there and his presence goes unnoticed as he takes a seat on the worn sofa by the entrance. You sit further into the basement, covered in paint with dirty fingernails between your grinding teeth.</p><p> </p><p>You don’t know how long he sits there in silence watching you paint. He startles you when his baritone voice carries in the small space.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you working on?”</p><p> </p><p>You jolt in your seat and drop your paintbrush. Your other hand grasps your chest as you turn to look at him with widened eyes, your heart rate struggling to calm down after the scare.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”</p><p> </p><p>You shudder before bending over to pick up your discarded paintbrush. “I just… didn’t know you were here,” you say, your voice trembling slightly.</p><p> </p><p>You turn in your seat to fully face him. Of course, his posture is perfect, his spine stiff and his chin tucked. Due to the age of the sofa and his build, he sinks much lower in his seat. His hands rest on his thighs as he subtly looks around your studio.</p><p> </p><p>Your mom always told you to hang up all your art because she just loved everything you made. A lot of them are left untitled and you figure without the hint, Ushijima probably won’t understand what any of them mean. For some reason, the thought doesn’t bother you.</p><p> </p><p>When he finishes looking around, his eyes settle on your form. His stare makes you suddenly feel self-conscious for dressing so poorly. You’re wearing an oversized sweater with duck patterned shorts. Your mom got them for you because she thought they were cute.</p><p> </p><p>“They’re nice,” he states finally.</p><p> </p><p>You offer him a sheepish smile. You’re usually not that bad at taking compliments but it somehow feels more difficult with him. You just respect him a lot. It makes you nervous receiving a compliment from someone so talented, even if it’s not his field of expertise.</p><p> </p><p>“I like the one with Hayashi rice the most.”</p><p> </p><p>You quirk an eyebrow. “I’ve never painted Hayashi rice before.”</p><p> </p><p>He frowns. Ushijima turns to look at the so-called Hayashi rice piece and he tilts his head slightly, as if it’ll help him determine what the piece is actually about. You follow his gaze and stifle a laugh, covering your mouth with the back of your hand. You suddenly remember the first time he came over and told your mom confidently that his favourite food was most definitely Hayashi rice.</p><p> </p><p>His jaw works as his eyes narrow. “If it’s not Hayashi rice, what is it?” he asks seriously. He almost looks upset for not understanding why you’re laughing.</p><p> </p><p>You stand up slowly to approach your canvas. You glance at him, holding in your chuckle at how deeply his brows are furrowed.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s a dog dying,” you say lightly.</p><p> </p><p>“How is this a dog dying? Is that not beef in dark sauce on some rice?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, see,” you gesture to the brown area. “That’s the dog, he’s curled up and lying on clouds.”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima frowns even more deeply. He crosses his arms in dissatisfaction. “I don’t see it.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” you chuckle. “You don’t have to see it. Hayashi rice is good too.” You drag your feet to the couch with a yawn and plop down next to Ushijima, making sure you’re not sitting too closely to him. You weigh nothing compared to him, so he barely experiences any recoil when you land on the cushion.</p><p> </p><p>“What did your mom make this time?”</p><p> </p><p>It surprises you that he’s still willing to deliver cake and cookies when he’s forced into tea time with your mom every time. This time, you weren’t even aware of his arrival so he must’ve had tea alone with your mom. The thought made you shudder.</p><p> </p><p>You shuffle in your seat to rest your back against the arm rest, your knees curled up against your chest. You watch Ushijima curiously as he relaxes in your presence.</p><p> </p><p>“She didn’t make anything.”</p><p> </p><p>You frown slightly. “Oh. Then how come you dropped by?”</p><p> </p><p>When Ushijima turns to look at you, his unwavering gaze makes your face heat up. There’s always a level of intensity evident in his eyes even when his expression is soft. You feel your heart throb when he looks at you this way.</p><p> </p><p>“I wanted to see you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hueuheue ushi :)))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. we were meant to meet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>gaahh i'm sorry this took so long!! i had a crazy week for school with back to back evaluations but now i have a mini reading week so i will try to write as much as i can! can't guarantee a regular posting schedule tho :( hope you are all staying safe and healthy</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The school term ends rather quickly. You end up spending a lot of time in your studio during summer break prepping for multiple commissions. You’re asked to create various pieces for the same client which meant your indecisive, insecure self went through way too many canvases.</p><p> </p><p>You find out that Ushijima can be quite forward when it’s concerning things he wants. When he wants to see you, he’ll just show up unannounced. This meant your summer included many visits from the ace who was content simply sitting quietly on the couch watching you work. He’d tell you that you always have a wrinkle in your eyebrows when you paint, and also remind you to stop chewing your bottom lip.</p><p> </p><p>You admit seeing Ushijima regularly was nice. He never really understood any of your work, but it was still easier to discuss your ideas aloud with someone other than yourself. He’d patiently listen and would give comments here and there whenever he managed to understand a fraction of your ideas. Honestly, you find it cute that he puts in the effort to try to help you.</p><p> </p><p>After multiple quiet sessions at your house, he invites you to join him at one of his practices. Even though it was the summer, his team still practised regularly to prepare for the next tournament. You weren’t technically allowed on campus, but with his influence, his coach would only frown at you without turning you away.</p><p> </p><p>No matter how many times you watched Ushijima play, he never failed to leave you in awe. You watched him intensely, marveling in the way his shorts hiked up when he squatted to receive a serve or boggled at the way his powerful thighs looked when he pushed off the ground for a spike. It gave you goosebumps when the ball made impact with the ground and it warmed your heart to see his eyes glimmer after a successful hit.</p><p> </p><p>When he looked up at you to check if you saw his most recent play, you couldn’t help but think he was just an excited child seeking your approval. When you made eye contact, he’d always give you a subtle smile, his eyes lighting up in a childish way seeking your praise. You’d give him a goofy thumbs up until his coach would glare at you, in which you’d turn back to your sketching pad. You’d bow your head quickly in apology.</p><p> </p><p>The first time you hugged him goodbye, he was as stiff as a board. His arms rested awkwardly by his sides and he looked down at you dumbfoundedly. It was such a foreign feeling to him that his cheeks even flushed a subtle pink. You made sure to keep giving him goodbye hugs for a chance to see it again.</p><p> </p><p>By the end of the summer, hugging him became less of a tease and more for comfort. You would nuzzle your nose into his chest and commit his musky scent to memory. It makes you happy to embrace him and even happier when he hugs you back. Ushijima eventually becomes used to your affections and learns to love the way you feel in his arms.</p><p> </p><p>When school starts again, you head over to Oikawa’s house for a study session with your childhood friends. You didn’t see much of them during the summer because you spent most of it with Ushijima while they were in Seijoh’s gym. The pair is fired up and determined to earn a spot at nationals in their last tournament of high school.</p><p> </p><p>“Ugh, I don’t want to study anymore! Why do I need to learn how to use these formulas when I’m going to be playing volleyball? Besides, we should be practicing for Spring Interhigh right now!” Oikawa whines, collapsing onto his bed dramatically.</p><p> </p><p>“Because no one wants an idiot as a teammate,” Iwaizumi mumbles.</p><p> </p><p>“Iwa-chan!” Oikawa cries. “I’m not an idiot!”</p><p> </p><p>You glance over the poorly hidden tests on Oikawa’s table and shrug. “That’s not what these test results say.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa jolts up in bed, his hair losing its perfect windswept appearance and his eyes bulging. “Don’t look at my stuff, Youko!”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s hard <em>not</em> to look,” you interject. “The red 60 is really hard to miss.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi perks up at your comment. “Yo, let me see how much of an idiot Shittykawa is.”</p><p> </p><p>You snicker, handing over the test to Iwaizumi. The two of you snort and snicker as you look over the test, pointing out a pathetic answer after another. You glance at Oikawa’s horrified face and immediately burst into laughter, practically howling. You hunch over with your hands on your knees as you laugh until your vision becomes blurry with tears. Oikawa doesn’t even try to stop the two of you from making fun of his test knowing it’s a losing battle for him.</p><p> </p><p>“Wow. This is really something. This is Sensei marking <em>kindly</em> too,” Iwaizumi comments with a snort.</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up!” Oikawa huffs, crossing his arms and dropping himself back on his bed.</p><p> </p><p>You sigh, shaking your head as you cross your arms. “Tooru, we can’t hangout anymore. Your dumbness is going to rub off on me.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa grunts and mumbles a series of things you don’t catch. All you hear is the end of it.</p><p> </p><p>“…never hung out with us the whole summer anyways…”</p><p> </p><p>You make your way to Oikawa’s bed and drop down next to him. “I was busy okay? We can hangout a lot again since school has started.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa huffs. “The commissioned stuff was only at the beginning. What were you doing the rest of summer?” he complains.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi takes a seat at Oikawa’s desk and spins around to face the two of you. There isn’t enough room for him on the bed anymore. You’re all too grown up to lie there together like old times.</p><p> </p><p>You cough and then clear your throat for good measure. You glance at Oikawa who gives you an expectant look. You were hoping this wouldn’t come up.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa reads your reaction and gasps dramatically, jolting up in bed a second time. His jaw drops and he narrows his eyes. He directs a pointed finger at you as a vein bulges from his temple. “You… You were with Ushiwaka weren’t you?!” he accuses.</p><p> </p><p>You don’t notice the way Iwaizumi stiffens in his chair. You feel your face warm at the accurate accusation. You tell yourself to play it cool. “Yeah, so what?”</p><p> </p><p>“You- Him- The audacity! He’s the enemy! My rival!”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay Tooru, it’s not a rivalry if only one of you thinks it is.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa begins to push you off the bed, giving you a final kick to make sure you’re on the ground.</p><p> </p><p>“Tooru!” you exclaim. “Gosh, he’s not all that bad okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Ughhh… why would you like a brick like him?” he sighs exasperatedly.</p><p> </p><p>“You like him?” Iwaizumi interjects.</p><p> </p><p>This time, you sigh. “Okay, I didn’t even say anything about liking him.”</p><p> </p><p>“But you do. I’ve always said Youko, I’m good at reading people. And you <em>like</em> Ushiwaka.”<br/><br/>You sigh again, but this time not as aggressively. “I don’t know about liking him… but I admire him. He works really hard for volleyball. Do you know he goes on a run twice every day? Even if he has practice? And he eats such a low carb diet it’s kind of gross. And he also spends way too much time at the gym. But that’s what makes him amazing, he’s really driven.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa rolls his eyes. “Okay, no more of this <em>admiration</em> business. It’s gross. You’re completely smitten with a total brick! I won’t have it.”</p><p> </p><p>You don’t notice the way Iwaizumi eyes you carefully, gauging your reaction. Iwaizumi isn’t the best at reading people like Oikawa, but he’s known you long enough to understand <em>your </em>expressions. It makes him sad to know you mean every word of affection towards Ushijima.</p><p> </p><p>You laugh lightly and slap Oikawa’s leg. “You just think it’s gross because you’ve never had deep, intimate relationships with anyone. You just date girls for a month and then they drop you.”</p><p> </p><p>Normally you’d get a reaction from Iwaizumi when you tease Oikawa, but he simply offers a weak chuckle. Oikawa on the other hand, completely ignores your jab.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Intimate?!</em> You’re <em>intimate</em> with Ushiwaka?!” Oikawa dramatically gags and flips over to bury his face in his pillow.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi’s eyes widen and he turns to look at you in horror.</p><p> </p><p>You give the both of them an incredulous look. “God! No, Tooru! Why do you have to be like that?”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa swings his legs violently as he yells into his pillow. Oikawa is almost 18 and he’s throwing a literal tantrum. You frown, annoyed by how immature he’s acting.</p><p> </p><p>“Hajime, tell Tooru he’s overreacting.”</p><p> </p><p>You roll your eyes before turning to look at Iwaizumi. You’re startled when you realize how uncomfortable he looks. His arms are crossed over his chest as he slumps in the chair, his chin tucked in against his chest.</p><p> </p><p>You don’t want to jump to conclusions as to why he looks that way, but all these years together meant you could also understand<em> his</em> expressions. Not wanting to address it right now, you tuck the thought away.</p><p> </p><p>“Youko, can we not talk about Ushijima anymore today?”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>You felt your heart break twice in a span of 3 days when you watched Seijoh and Shiratorizowa both lose to Karasuno. It hurt to see your best friends’ dreams shatter. It was their last chance at a shot at nationals and it slipped right through their fingers.</p><p> </p><p>It hurt to see Ushijima’s admirable confidence falter. You felt your heart sink when Ushijima looked up at you when the match ended. Instead of his sparkling child-like eyes, they were dejected, in disbelief. When he made his way back to his coach, you noticed his perfect posture crack a little. His dreams weren’t lost, but it was definitely a huge blow to his pride.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa and Iwaizumi left the venue before you even got a chance to see them and so you’re left waiting for Ushijima alone. He still had to go through an award ceremony after all.</p><p> </p><p>When Ushijima exits the locker room, you share a moment of silence, feeling his unspoken emotions flood into your body. It hurt to see him this way.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima walks you home, making sure to guide you to the inside of the sidewalk despite his sullen mood. It seems second nature for him to make you walk on the inside. You’ll have to ask him about it another time.</p><p> </p><p>When the two of you arrive to your house, he waits awkwardly by your front step, waiting for you to enter. His eyes are fixed at your feet, not quite finding the courage to look up at you.</p><p> </p><p>“Why don’t you come in?” you suggest softly.</p><p> </p><p>He nods slowly, his eyes vacant, not quite looking into yours despite his acknowledgement. You open the door and quickly glance behind you to make sure he’s still following you. He trudges through your hollow hallway following you into the kitchen.</p><p> </p><p>Unlike usual, he doesn’t sit down and get settled. He simply hovers behind you as you make some tea.</p><p> </p><p>You glance at him warily. As you’re shifting around the kitchen, he takes a step here and there to be by your side. You realize he’s just trying to be near you. He isn’t quite watching you but simply keeping his eyes fixed on the same spot.</p><p> </p><p>You hand him the teacup and he cradles it delicately in his large hands. You gently grasp his wrist, encouraging him to finally look into your worried gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s go to the basement,” you say.</p><p> </p><p>He nods dumbly, letting you guide him downstairs with the light hold you have on his wrist. Your hand looks incredibly small next to his large ones.</p><p> </p><p>He settles into his usual spot on the couch, and you place your cup on a nearby table, forgoing the coaster.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima sits stiffly, but different from other times. Instead of his perfect posture, he looks almost uncomfortable sitting down. He played such an exhausting game but doesn’t find comfort in the act of sitting.</p><p> </p><p>You approach him tentatively, hovering over him. Even though he’s sitting and you’re standing, you’re still only a head taller than him.</p><p> </p><p>As carefully as you can, you reach out to him. You thread your fingers in his olive hair with one hand while the other lightly grasps his nape. Your fingers are cool against his hot skin and he twitches at the contact. You pull him against your chest, and it takes a few moments before he lets out an audible sigh. He begins to relax to the sound of your heartbeat, closing his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>For the first time today, he finally gets the rest he deserves. He allows his body to wilt, succumbing to utter fatigue and breathes your scent deeply.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m tired,” he says quietly, his baritone voice rumbling against your chest. For him to admit to fatigue is a testament to how exhausted he is.</p><p> </p><p>His breathing evens and he slowly wraps his own arms around your waist, pulling you closer against him. He makes sure to remember your essence, finding comfort in being embraced by you.</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes flutter close as you continue to cradle his head against your body. You succumb to his warmth, sighing when you let his arms pull you closer against him. You listen to his level breathing and find comfort in how calm he feels against you.</p><p> </p><p>You remind yourself that even a prodigy can have hiccups. Even Ushijima can encounter obstacles when reaching for his dreams.</p><p> </p><p>“I know.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>After Spring Interhigh, Ushijima comes over more often because he doesn’t have any more volleyball practice. Sometimes he comes for tea with your mom, other times he comes to spend idle time with you.</p><p> </p><p>You have study sessions with him instead, encouraging him that he still has to do well regardless of what career he plans to pursue. You rarely see Oikawa and Iwaizumi, other than the occasional times you pass by each other in the hallways, giving each other stiff nods.</p><p> </p><p>It feels different between the three of you. It’s obvious there’s some cold blood for dedicating your time to comfort Ushijima instead of them. You tell yourself to make time for them when winter break arrives.</p><p> </p><p>Just before your school term ends, Ushijima-san connects you to a funeral home director. She tells you that he’s interested in having you paint a mural in the lobby. She speaks highly of you and tells you that it aligns with your goals. The intention of the mural is to console people, give them hope that there is a future without their loved one. She wants your art to connect with grieving families.</p><p> </p><p>You get started on your piece once school ends. With considerably less training time, Ushijima comes with you to watch you paint. He says that not qualifying for his last high school nationals is discouraging, but he’s still motivated to achieve his dream of qualifying for an Olympic team. He says watching you work inspires him to work harder to reach it.</p><p> </p><p>Little does he know that <em>he’s</em> the reason you try to work hard as well.</p><p> </p><p>In one of your final days of painting, Ushijima brings you lemon tea and some snacks for your break.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s nice,” he comments, admiring your mural.</p><p> </p><p>“You always say it’s nice,” you counter.</p><p> </p><p>He frowns, watching you take a sip from your lemon tea. “Because it is always nice,” he rebuts.</p><p> </p><p>You chuckle, twisting the cap shut. “Thanks, Ushijima.”</p><p> </p><p>He nods, then turns to look up at your almost finished work. By the way his eyebrows wrinkle and his head cocks to the side, you can tell he’s trying his best to understand your art. He never seems to figure it out on his own though. You can’t help but smile.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Ushijima?”</p><p> </p><p>“Hm?”</p><p> </p><p>You pause, searching his face for something you can’t quite pinpoint. “Can I call you Wakatoshi?”</p><p> </p><p>He turns to face you, his expression softening and the edge of his lips curving slightly.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>For some reason, his response makes you grin stupidly to yourself before taking a bite into the pork bun he bought for you. You like the way his name slipped out of your lips. If he notices your change in expression, he doesn’t comment on it.</p><p> </p><p>“What are your plans for the future?” you ask casually with your mouth partially full. “You only have one more term until you’re done high school.”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima shifts in his seat before answering. “I was scouted at the Spring Interhigh finals,” he replies rather simply.</p><p> </p><p>You stop chewing and the food in your mouth almost slips out when your jaw drops. “What? Why didn’t you say so earlier? Who scouted you?”</p><p> </p><p>“The Schweiden Adlers.”</p><p> </p><p>“Is that a good team?” After all this time with 3 volleyball crazed boys, you still don’t really know much about the volleyball scene.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima reaches for your lemon tea and twists it open. “It is. They are one of the best performing V. League Division 1 teams,” he states simply before taking a sip. “You should finish chewing or else your food will fall out.”</p><p> </p><p>You chew as quickly as you can and wipe your mouth with the back of your hand for good measure.</p><p> </p><p>“Wow! That amazing!” you exclaim, your face morphing into a bright smile. Ushijima seems to like your reaction because he gives you a small smile in response. For a guy who acts like he doesn’t care, he seems to care a lot about what you think.</p><p> </p><p>“So if you got scouted, does that mean you’re on the team?”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima takes a moment to think before responding. “Yes and no. I still need to formally try out.”</p><p> </p><p>“Wow…” you sigh. “You really are amazing you know that, Wakatoshi?”</p><p> </p><p>You’re unsure whether it’s the comment you made or the casual use of his first name, but Ushijima reaches out to hold your hand, squeezing it lightly.</p><p> </p><p>“And so are you, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima walks you home for the last time before school starts since he has to leave with his mother before New Years to visit family. When he grasps your shoulders to push you to the inside of the sidewalk, you remember to ask him the reason why.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you like the outside of the sidewalk or something?”</p><p> </p><p>You wait as he pauses. You’ve gotten used to his pauses now. He looks at you, quirking his eyebrows.</p><p> </p><p>“No, I don’t particularly like the outside more than the inside.”</p><p> </p><p>This time, you quirk your eyebrows. “But every time we walk together, you always push me to the inside. Why is that?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh.” This time his replies comes quickly. “The inside is safer of course. I want you to be safe.”</p><p> </p><p>Your lips quiver as you restrain a laugh. “What does that even mean? We’re on the sidewalk, it’s fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not. If a car drives onto the sidewalk, the outside person will be hit first.”</p><p> </p><p>“A car isn’t going to drive onto the sidewalk, Wakatoshi.”</p><p> </p><p>“It might.”</p><p> </p><p>His words seems so final that you admit defeat. To be honest, it makes you happy to know that he cares about your safety. Even if it means he gets hit by the car first. It's honestly a very unlikely circumstance.</p><p> </p><p>When you grasp his hand, he doesn’t hesitate to clasp back. He holds your hand gently in his while you swing your intertwined hands. Admittedly, you swing with more energy than he does but it doesn’t seem to bother him. The foreign gesture feels so natural and you’re glad he didn’t pull away at your attempt at affection. You can’t seem to wipe the smile off of your face.</p><p> </p><p>When you hug him goodbye, you hold onto him longer than usual, but he doesn’t seem to mind. Your words slip out before you have a chance to really think about them. It seems like the most natural thing to say.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s be together,” you mumble against his chest.</p><p> </p><p>You don’t see how Ushijima frowns, evidently puzzled by your statement. “Aren’t we together right now?” he asks.</p><p> </p><p>You pull away slightly, your arms still wrapped around his waist, but pulling back enough so you can look up at him. “Let’s date. I want to be yours,” you say determinedly. “I think we were meant to meet each other. We’re meant to be together, Wakatoshi.”</p><p> </p><p>He considers your offer seriously. Ushijima’s always had a habit of thinking carefully before speaking. You thought you got used to his pauses, but this time, it feels excruciatingly long. You hold your breath until he replies.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” he settles with.</p><p> </p><p>You blink at him. For such a big decision, you expected him to ask for more time to think about it. You stare at him a little too long. “Really?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” he mumbles quietly, slowly tipping his chin down so his lips are hovering just above yours.</p><p> </p><p>You smile brightly right before he presses his lips gently against yours. You melt into the kiss, letting out a sigh as his warmth spreads through you, making your heart flutter. You feel him return a smile against your lips as he embraces you closer against him.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, the warmth from his arms leave you for a moment but it returns as he cups your face. Ushijima rests his forehead against yours and when he speaks, his hot breath tickles your face.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re right. We should be together, Youko.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>man oh man i love reading fluff but i feel so uncomfortable writing it HAHA i hope you enjoyed it regardless</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. what about my dreams?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the long wait! I feel like a broken record saying this before every chapter because I do feel bad about how long it takes me to write a chapter. This whole month has just been back to back midterms and online learning is a huge bummer. Anyways, here’s a treat for those who have been waiting &amp; those who are just joining! I’m assuming we all love some Ushi fluff and some good guy Iwa-chan. Enjoy!</p><p>Note: I've added tags for minor spoilers</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You invite Oikawa and Iwaizumi to go visit the shrine with you for New Years and you surprisingly meet little resistance. You were prepared to defend your case for not being there for them after Spring High, but it seems the passing time helped them forget their anger. The anger from arguments with those two always seemed to fade away with time.</p><p> </p><p>You arrive at the shrine especially early just in case there’s any remnant grudges to avoid the chance of getting scolded. When you wave at them to get their attention, you can’t help but notice how they managed to grow even taller.</p><p> </p><p>When they reach you, Oikawa makes an effort to avoid your gaze. <em>Still immature it seems</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Shitty-kawa, you know this chick? I was wondering why she was waving at us like one of those inflatable tube men,” Iwaizumi starts, his warm gaze contrasting his words.</p><p> </p><p>Your jaw drops as you look up at Iwaizumi. Between Oikawa and him, he’s never been the one to tease first. Oikawa grins wickedly at you as he answers, “Thought she was cute from far away, but now that we’re here… it’s a no for me, Iwa-chan.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re a piece of shit, Tooru!” you snarl as you punch his bicep as hard as you can.</p><p> </p><p>“Ow!! Youko? What the hell? I was just playing along,” he grumbles. “Iwa-chan started it. Why don’t you punch him too?”</p><p> </p><p>“Whoa, starting the year swinging and shouting profanities at the shrine. You’re going to upset the gods, Youko,” Iwaizumi teases.</p><p> </p><p>You give Iwaizumi your best frown, but it doesn’t last very long. You could never really stay mad at him.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s go pray and get our fortunes already,” you mutter, as you storm off.</p><p> </p><p>The three of you open your fortunes at the same time as per your annual tradition and this time, your friends are the ones frowning as you grin. They both get “small curse” while you get “great blessing”.</p><p> </p><p>“Karma stings doesn’t it, Tooru? That’s why you shouldn’t be mean to me,” you taunt as you jab his sides. He reflexively swats your hand away.</p><p> </p><p>In contrast, Iwaizumi simply shrugs and stuffs the fortune in his pocket.</p><p> </p><p>“How did your mural go at the funeral home, Youko?” Iwaizumi asks instead.</p><p> </p><p>Your face visibly lights up and you pull out your phone quickly. “It’ll just be easier if I show you,” you grin.</p><p> </p><p>You pass him your phone and the two of you discuss it at length. Iwaizumi breaks down your work to get a better understanding of the meaning. Oikawa stands off to the side, slumped but still slightly curious with your most recent work. He’s not a fan of art, but he’s interested in what you come up with. You’re the exception.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, Oikawa throws his arms in the air, exasperated as per usual. “Iwa-chaaan,” he whines. “Let me see too!”</p><p> </p><p>It takes Iwaizumi a moment before he peels his eyes away from the screen to finally give it to Oikawa. Oikawa frowns at the image, his lips twisting slightly before he suddenly squints, his fingertips aggressively expanding the image displayed on the screen as he brings the phone dangerously closer towards his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s Ushiwaka’s reflection isn’t it?” he asks in a horrified whisper.</p><p> </p><p>You lean over his hands to take a look at your phone screen, a small frown playing on your lips. “Wow, you can really see him?” you comment casually.</p><p> </p><p>“So it IS him!”</p><p> </p><p>You huff. “Yeah, it is. His mom landed me that gig after all.”</p><p> </p><p>You don’t notice the way Iwaizumi watches you warily. You don’t know when you started unconsciously trying to avert his gaze when Ushijima is brought up in conversation.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa dramatically gags before shoving your phone into your chest as he growls,” You spend too much time together.”</p><p> </p><p>You shrug, making sure to only look at Oikawa. “Well, that’s expected… because we’re dating now.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re WHAT?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, sorry Tooru, dating your crush now,” you joke lightly. You glance at Iwaizumi’s sullen face and you feel your stomach churn with guilt. You’re not completely oblivious to his feelings. You’ve just been in denial.</p><p> </p><p>“I-I can’t believe you!” Oikawa sighs exasperatedly. “I-I’m going to go on a walk. I can’t even look at you right now, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa swiftly takes his leave, leaving you in awkward silence with Iwaizumi. He hasn’t said a word since Oikawa laid his hands on your phone and his face twists in a way that makes the both of you uncomfortable.</p><p> </p><p>You slip your phone back into your pocket and glance quickly at your best friend. It hurts you to see him so uncomfortable around you.</p><p> </p><p>You swallow thickly before speaking, “Hey Hajime…” Iwaizumi twitches in response to your voice and you take his silence as a cue to continue. “I don’t really know how to say this because I don’t want to assume how you feel…” you look up at Iwaizumi and search his eyes. You watch them narrow, his gaze still fixed at his feet with his arms crossed.</p><p> </p><p>Not really knowing how to express your thoughts clearly, you address it as best as you can. Confrontational conversations have never been your thing. “Knowing you this long… I had a feeling,” you finish.</p><p> </p><p>This time, you look down at your feet while Iwaizumi looks up at you, his eyes widening slightly in surprise. Before another moment passes, he lightly chuckles.</p><p> </p><p>“Well Youko, your assumptions are probably right,” he confirms rather lightheartedly. “You know me best after all.”</p><p> </p><p>When you look up at Iwaizumi, your heart clenches seeing the small smile playing at his lips. His arms are no longer defensively crossed across his chest, but casually in his pockets. It’s bittersweet to hear him admit how close you are and a part of you wishes you didn’t know him so well. A part of you wishes you never figured out that his unrequited first love is you. You wish you didn’t have to be the one to hurt your best friend’s feelings.</p><p> </p><p>You look away and pull at your fingers desperately. “I’m really sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>There’s a pause that feels excruciatingly long and when you hear his voice again, you’re overwhelmed with relief.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay. I treasure what we have right now. I hope it doesn’t change anything between us… despite all of this.”</p><p> </p><p>You feel the sting of his last four words and you remind yourself that this isn’t really your fault. You can’t control your feelings. They have a mind of their own. That’s what makes your art so complicated. Your best work comes out when your soul is at odds, you create a jumbled mess of emotions.</p><p> </p><p>You bite your lip hoping the pain in your pink muscle can distract you from the other kind of pain you’re feeling. It takes everything in you to look up into Iwaizumi’s warm eyes. You want him to know that you mean everything you’re going to say.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re still my person, Hajime. None of that changes.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi’s lips curve up slightly and the subtle smile he gives you is enough to make you forget the guilt, even for just a second. You know his smile is genuine and you’re glad that your words mean something to him. Every bit of it is the truth.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>You give him a small sad smile of your own, almost as if you were the one being rejected right now. How ironic is that?</p><p> </p><p>“Congratulations, Youko. Honestly. I’m glad he makes you happy.”</p><p> </p><p>You feel your eyes well up with tears and you reach out to grasp Iwaizumi’s exposed wrist from his pant pocket and squeeze it gently. You see him reach with his other hand and you close your eyes reflexively, anticipating the familiar feeling of his rough hand ruffling your hair. Instead, he gently brushes a strand of hair behind your ear and you feel your face warm at the touch.</p><p> </p><p>When you look up at him this time, you give him a warmer smile, as a cool tear drips down your warm cheek. It really does feel like you’re the one being rejected right now.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Hajime.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima invites you to come watch one of his open tryouts. He tried to explain to you that it was one of those preliminary ones before the formal tryouts, but you didn’t really understand the difference between the two. Weren’t they both still tryouts?</p><p> </p><p>He also told you that he wasn’t particularly invested in this tryout because he didn’t actually want to play for this team. When you asked if it was like doing multiple interviews to practice when job searching, he simply frowned, not quite understanding why anyone would put themselves through that.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes it gets difficult finding a common understanding between the two of you, but you make it work. All you know is that this tryout is just practice for him. He told you that the team he actually wants to play for is the Schweiden Adlers, the team he was scouted for. You remember him telling you that they do well every year in V. League Div. 1 and that he wants to play with a world-class player named Nicollas Romero. He claims that Romero is especially talented. You figure he must be quite amazing if someone like Ushijima calls him talented. Luckily for him, the team has already scouted him and he’s already basically on the team.</p><p> </p><p>As you watch Ushijima land another perfect spike, you can’t help but swell with pride. Even if he doesn’t care as much about this tryout, it’s still a form of evaluation and he doesn’t seem swayed by the thought. His unrelenting confidence complements his extraordinary skill. His drive to pursue his dream makes him shine a little brighter, even if today is just another stepping stone. Ushijima makes sure to look up into the stands to smile at you after a good play and you return it with a grin and thumbs up, never getting tired of watching him play with that subtle curve of his lips.</p><p> </p><p>After getting off the bus at your stop, Ushijima holds your small hand firmly in his as the two of you walk the familiar path to your home, with you on the inside of course. You can’t help but add a little bounce to your step and an extra swing in your intertwined hands. You’ve been waiting to tell him some exciting news after all.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re in a good mood,” he states.</p><p> </p><p>You look up at him with a bright grin and he returns it with a warm smile. It makes his stomach flutter when he sees you in such a joyous state.</p><p> </p><p>You prance in front of him, maintaining the loose grip you have on his fingers as you pace backwards to make sure to see his reaction. “I have good news!” you squeal a little too excitedly. It’s becoming harder and harder to contain your excitement.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima squeezes your fingers lightly, his eyebrows quirking upwards and a playful smile develops on his lips. “And what would that be?”</p><p> </p><p>You stop in front of him and his reflexes allow him to stop abruptly to avoid stepping on your feet. “I’ve been invited to another showcase!” you blurt. “Nagasaki-san sent my art to the event organizer and it’s super last minute because someone dropped out, but they agreed to have me!”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima reaches for the neglected hand by your side and squeezes both of your hands tightly. His eyes sparkle especially bright under the moonlight and the way he looks at you makes your breath catch in your throat.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s amazing, Youko. You’re amazing. Congratulations.”</p><p> </p><p>The warm smile he gives you makes you blush like an idiot.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Wakatoshi,” you say, grinning ear to ear like said idiot.</p><p> </p><p>You squeeze his hands and turn to continue skipping to your house. “This one’s a much bigger event than the first one,” you tell him. “I’ll probably never have another opportunity like this until after I finish high school. Usually only established artists get to be at this event!”</p><p> </p><p>“It makes sense they invited you. You are very talented.”</p><p> </p><p>You turn to give him a quick smile, hoping he doesn’t notice the red tinge on your cheeks. His bluntness never fails to make you blush.</p><p> </p><p>You slow down your pace so that you walk side-by-side with Ushijima. When you speak again, it’s not as excited as before. “Tooru can’t come because he has to fly out to meet a coach in Argentina,” you say quietly. “And Hajime has a meeting with a head coach he wants to work under in L.A.,” your voice trails off quietly. “It’s exactly 3 weeks from today. Will you come?” you ask in almost a whisper.</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes are hopeful when you look up at him and they glitter under the moonlight. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster the last couple weeks after finding out that <em>both</em> of your best friends want to move overseas after they graduate. The three of you have been together for as long as you can remember. It feels surreal to imagine being apart from them.</p><p> </p><p>But how could you be the one to hold them back when they had their own dreams to chase? It would be incredibly selfish of you to ask them to stay. You’ve been trying to come to terms with the news and you’re honestly much better than how you were just a couple weeks ago. You’re learning to respect what they want. You tell yourself you still have Ushijima who will stay with you here in Japan. You can depend on him.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima blinks slowly before his face falls into a somber expression. You turn to look back at the ground, biting your lip to prepare for what he’s going to say.</p><p> </p><p>“I have my Schweiden tryouts 3 weeks from now.”</p><p> </p><p>“But you said you’re basically on the team already,” you say sadly.</p><p> </p><p>“I said I was scouted. That doesn’t mean I am on the team.”</p><p> </p><p>You frown slightly. “But they know you and they want you. Isn’t that enough already?” you ask bitterly.</p><p> </p><p>“I still have to attend it. It only makes sense to.”</p><p> </p><p>You sigh and keep your gaze fixed on your feet. The path home is so familiar that from the damaged pattern in the sidewalk, you know that you’re just in front of your home.</p><p> </p><p>“But there are multiple tryouts. It’s okay if you just leave early right? My exhibit isn’t until later in the evening. I wanted you to be there for the opening. That’s the biggest part of the event.”</p><p> </p><p>Your feet drag as you climb the few steps to your front door. You release the hold you have on Ushijima and his hand falls numbly back to his side. You can’t help but be upset that he won’t be there for the grand opening of <em>your</em> next big step. Here you are supporting him by attending a preliminary tryout for a team he doesn’t want to play for while he’s not able to be there for your career-changing exhibit. Did you have to remind him that this is your dream? You have dreams, goals and ambitions too. You want him to be there with you every step of the way.</p><p> </p><p>You turn to look at him and try your best not to look too discouraged. You also understand that attending the Schweiden tryouts is important to him too. He shouldn’t hurt his relationship with the coaching staff by making a bad impression.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima grasps the back of your head gently as he leans in to kiss your forehead softly.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll think about it, Youko,” he mutters. “Have a good night.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>It’s been two weeks since you received your invitation for the exhibit and unsurprisingly, you are stumped in making a piece you’re truly happy with. You told yourself that you wouldn’t leave your studio until you could come up with something that had potential.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima came to visit you a couple times in the last week, but you were too focused on the blank canvas you sat in front of that all you did was nod absentmindedly at his arrival. He’d settle into his usual spot on the sofa and watch the wrinkle between your eyebrows get deeper and deeper. Sometimes he’d hand you a bowl of fruits or remind you to drink water. Too absorbed in your thoughts, your eyes never left the white canvas even when you turned your head slightly to let Ushijima tilt a cup of water into your mouth.</p><p> </p><p>Today, you’re met with a new face. The sound of a stool being placed next to you startles you, but you don’t turn to face the source of the sound. You’re not sure if it’s his smell or just his overall presence, but you know it’s Iwaizumi who takes a seat next to you. His eyes flicker from your canvas to your concentrated face. His gaze finally settles on your face and he eyes you carefully.</p><p> </p><p>This time, you’re not just staring at a blank canvas. Your hand is making careful strokes across the vast canvas, a lip held in place tightly between your teeth. The canvas has the base colours for the idea that you have, and you’ve begun to layer the complementing colours onto it.</p><p> </p><p>“Is this for the exhibit?”</p><p> </p><p>You breathe in deeply in exhaustion before answering. “Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi opts to look at the canvas instead of you and he turns his head slightly, hoping to decipher what you’re creating. At this stage, it’s way too early to tell what this story is about.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s this one about?”</p><p> </p><p>Your hand freezes mid-stroke and you place the brush stiffly onto the table next to you. You push your stool backwards and the scratching sound it makes across the wooden floor makes Iwaizumi visibly cringe. Something was bothering you more than the sound though.</p><p> </p><p>You pick up a bottle of paint and squirt it all over your canvas. The force in your squeeze is a little too aggressive and the paint sprays onto your clothes and a little on Iwaizumi’s face. His eyes widen when they land on your frustrated figure and he blinks slowly before wiping the paint off his cheek with the back of his hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, just nothing,” you say rather offhandedly. You’re actually fuming because you’ve gone through so many canvases already and this was just another one to the embarrassing pile. When you look at Iwaizumi, he looks slightly surprised but not completely taken back. You notice the smeared paint on his cheek and you lower your head meekly. “Sorry about that.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi shrugs before looking back at the paint slowly dripping down the canvas. “It’s okay.”</p><p> </p><p>You plop back down onto your seat and you sigh tiredly.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you want to talk about it?” Iwaizumi asks softly.</p><p> </p><p>You glance at him in the corner of your eye and you notice the worry in his eyes. Better to get it out than to keep it in right?</p><p> </p><p>You heave another sigh before starting. “This is the biggest project of my life and I can’t make anything good. This is the next big step to achieving my dreams!” You gesture to the canvas with both hands, fingers outstretched and hands shaking aggressively as you frown at yet another gross thing you’ve made. “How can I be having artist’s block before the biggest project of my life?”</p><p> </p><p>You stand up abruptly and storm off onto the sofa. You drop yourself onto it with a loud <em>“Ugh!”</em> and cross your arms, ignoring the fact that you’ve gotten more paint on your clothing. “But oh, <em>good news</em> is that nobody is coming anyways because everyone is busy pursuing their <em>own</em> dreams. I’m just going to mess up mine. No big deal,” you hiss bitterly.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi gets up to sit down next to you, much more gently than you did. Your body still bounces to the added weight on the sofa since he’s much larger and heavier than you. He turns in his seat to face you while you continue to grumble and snarl at your work. He rests a hand on your knee and rubs it with his thumb soothingly. “Hey, slow down, Youko. Everything you make is amazing. Don’t say that.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi squeezes your knee reassuringly. “You can afford a breather. Give it some time and it’ll come back to you. You don’t have to force it.”</p><p> </p><p>You sigh tiredly and lean onto Iwaizumi’s shoulder. It’s a bit awkward because he’s facing you but his presence is comforting. Ushijima has been physically here for you but he doesn’t quite understand what it means to pursue art. What it means to have artists’ block. He’s never felt burnt out. You let your heart rate slow as you focus on your breathing, resting your forehead on Iwaizumi’s shoulder. You really needed this.</p><p> </p><p>“And what do you mean nobody is coming? Isn’t Ushijima coming?”</p><p> </p><p>You feel a sharp pain in your chest at Iwaizumi’s question and you tell yourself you’re overreacting for feeling this way. It isn’t fair for you to expect him to be available every time you called for him. Ushijima is a busy guy. Y’know, getting scouted and all.</p><p> </p><p>“He has his Schweiden tryout,” you grumble, as you lift your head from Iwaizumi’s shoulder to slump into your seat.</p><p> </p><p>“Isn’t he on the team already?”</p><p> </p><p>“UGH! That’s what I said!!” you exclaim.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi frowns slightly and shifts in his seat to slump in the sofa like you. In your shared moment of silence, you close your eyes, hoping it calms your rattling emotions. It’s also a good opportunity to get some rest too you suppose.</p><p> </p><p>You’re startled when Iwaizumi speaks. “I’ll come, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes snap open and you stare at him with bulging eyes, mouth agape. Iwaizumi’s eyes are still closed as he leans his head back onto the back of the sofa. You collect yourself quickly to respond. “But, but- you have your meeting Hajime! That’s important!”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll figure something out,” he mumbles quietly.</p><p> </p><p>“No, you can’t do that. This is your future we’re talking about. You can’t miss out on this opportunity to meet with that coach. It’s a huge step towards your dream to be a renown athletic trainer.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi chuckles softly. “Of course, I can.” He squints and nudges your elbow playfully, his strength surprising you by the way you’re pushed away from him.</p><p> </p><p>He closes his eyes and rests his head back onto the sofa. He looks so at calm and at peace with the suggestion, it makes you even more rattled. You’re confused as to how he’s so nonchalant about this whole scenario. This meeting is a big deal for him. You get that you’re best friends and that includes dropping what you’re doing to support the other, but you didn’t really think this counted. You don’t want to compare what’s more important in the grand scheme of things; your exhibit or Iwaizumi’s meeting with his potential future boss overseas. Iwaizumi isn’t guaranteed this position like Ushijima is with the Schweiden Adlers. It makes his situation too uncertain if he makes a bad impression.</p><p> </p><p>You feel warm all over when Iwaizumi turns his head slowly to look at you. When he speaks, you can’t help but notice the little twinkle in his eyes. “I need to come and be inspired by you,” he says softly. “That’s what will help me achieve my dream.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>You’re not sure how he does it, but Iwaizumi manages to move his meeting. You figure the coach must want Iwaizumi enough to give him another chance. You’re glad someone other than you recognizes his talent and potential.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi nudges your elbow playfully as the event organizers cut the large ribbon signifying the opening of the showcase. You had just come down from the stage during the artist introductions feeling especially feverish. The combination of the spotlights and embarrassment caused you to flush a hot red. You almost spill the juice in your glass and you hiss at him, face heating up even more only to be met with a bright grin. Your annoyance fades quickly when Iwaizumi’s smile reminds you of the reality you’re living in. You’re an artist and people are here to see your work.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi sticks by you the whole evening as you politely greet important names in the industry and thank Nagasaki-san and the event organizer for giving you an opportunity to showcase your work.</p><p> </p><p>When things finally die down a bit by your canvas, Iwaizumi suddenly stands up to browse through the work you have for sale.</p><p> </p><p>“You made a lot of sales on the <em>“Alone”</em> print,” he comments. “Even the ones in the bigger size.”</p><p> </p><p>You regrettably slide off your high stool to confirm his comment. Your heels aren’t that high, but they have been bothering you all night from standing for so long.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” you agree with a small smile. It doesn’t seem real that you’re doing so well.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi’s fingers trace a less popular piece and he swiftly picks it up, holding it carefully in both hands. It’s another print of one of your painted pieces in one of the smaller sizes. “I think I’ll buy this one.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh no, Hajime. You know you don’t have to buy my work, right? You can just have it. You being here is more than enough.”</p><p> </p><p>His head tilts slightly as he gives you a soft smile, “I <em>want</em> to, Youko. I want to bring this with me to L.A.. That way I can just look at this if I need a little <em>oomph</em> in my day,” he chuckles.</p><p> </p><p>Your mouth opens to reply but the words don’t leave your lips when you feel a familiar hand rest on your hip. A quick kiss is placed on your temple and you immediately smile to greet your newest and most anticipated visitor.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry I’m late Youko. Congratulations on the exhibit,” Ushijima says with a warm smile. He looks down at you and only you and you feel like the most special person in the world.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Wakatoshi,” you reply, as he gives you a quick peck on your forehead.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve left the money in the cashbox,” Iwaizumi mumbles loud enough for the two of you to hear. You turn and your eyes dart between Iwaizumi and the print in his hands. You open your mouth to tell him again that he doesn’t need to pay but this time Iwaizumi interrupts you. “It’s fine, Youko. I <em>want</em> to pay,” he reminds you.</p><p> </p><p>You watch his eyes dart to Ushijima and the two of them nod stiffly at each other. They’ve never really hung out before, but you know they at least acknowledge and respect each other. They respect that they each play significant roles in your life.</p><p> </p><p>“I should get going now anyways,” Iwaizumi says quickly. “Congratulations again, Youko. I’m really proud of you.”</p><p> </p><p>You feel your chest squeeze at his words and you smile warmly at him. “Thank you Haijime,” you say sincerely. He nods with a grin and swiftly takes his exit. You watch Iwaizumi’s broad back grow smaller and smaller as he heads towards the exit. You watch him until he completely disappears in the crowd of attendees.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima threads his fingers with yours and squeezes your hand softly, grabbing your attention. You’re startled as you look up at him and he blinks at you momentarily before opening his mouth to speak.</p><p> </p><p>“How was the opening, Youko? Please tell me everything. We have all night.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This Ushi and Iwa-chan dynamic got me like hnnghhh T-T Leave a comment and let me know what you think so far!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. how it's supposed to be</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Normally I’d have the next chapter written before posting but I feel like I’ve made you all wait too long! This chapter has a lot of fluff and it felt embarrassing to write but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Thank you again to all my new readers and to those who have been following along this entire time 😊 I appreciate all of you!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You attend Iwaizumi and Oikawa’s graduation but honestly have no recollection of when they walked across the stage. You were practically sobbing, your tears completely obscuring your vision. You’ve been dreading this day; the day they graduate and leave you behind. Their graduation marks the end of the precious years you’ve spent together.</p><p> </p><p>They both laugh when you reunite after the ceremony and see you as a complete sobbing mess. Oikawa even softens up and pulls you into a hug, making all of his admirers fume with jealousy. His words are tender as they’re sprinkled on the crown of your head, “We’re not leaving you for good, you dummy. This isn’t goodbye.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa’s departure to Argentina takes ridiculously longer than expected. Iwaizumi practically drags him out of his house and pushes him into the car after much resistance, Oikawa insisting he might’ve forgotten something. When you and Oikawa hug at the terminal, you’re both a sobbing mess in contrast to your usual constant bickering.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry for calling you an idiot all the time, Tooru,” you sniff. “You know you’re really amazing right?”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa sniffs and squeezes you tighter. “Tell me something I don’t know, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>You quickly slide your hand out of the embrace and yank his earlobe as hard as you can.</p><p> </p><p>“Youko!!” Oikawa whines. “Why are you so abusive?!”</p><p> </p><p>“Because you’re an idiot! That’s why!” you rebut.</p><p> </p><p>“You just said you’re sorry for calling me an idiot all the time!”</p><p> </p><p>“I was! But now I’m not!”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, you two. Stop fighting. Everyone in this whole airport can hear you fighting,” Iwaizumi sighs.</p><p> </p><p>You both cross your arms and huff. The two of you try to hold your strongest front but the tears trickle down your faces all the same. You give in first.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to miss you, Tooru. Take care of yourself okay? And don’t date too many foreigners. We’re not going to be there to drag your sorry ass out of bed after another breakup.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa frowns but chooses to ignore the latter part of your message. “I’m going to miss you too, Youko. Can we have a peaceful hug this time?”</p><p> </p><p>You nod and sniffle another time, making sure to wipe your nose with the back of your hand before wrapping your arms around Oikawa’s waist. You realize that the next time you see him, he might be even taller.</p><p> </p><p>You hear Oikawa sigh deeply before squeezing you tightly another time before finally letting go. Sometimes you forget that he can also get really sentimental.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi grasps Oikawa’s shoulder and squeezes it reassuringly. “Take care, okay Trashy-kawa? Don’t do anything stupid.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa’s shoulders visibly slumps as he sniffles another time. “Why don’t either of you have anything nice to say?”</p><p> </p><p>You chuckle as you wipe your eyes again, feeling them begin to swell from all the wiping. “Can the two of you just hug it out or something before Tooru misses his flight?”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi visibly tenses and the frown deepens on his face as Oikawa throws his arms around him. Oikawa’s cool front is completely lost as his face scrunches up and he starts sobbing all over again. Despite the snot and tears that get all over Iwaizumi’s shirt, Iwaizumi eventually relaxes and he even pats Oikawa’s back stiffly. You wish you could take a picture of this moment but you know the two of them would be furious about it. You decide to store the mental image somewhere in your memory closet.</p><p> </p><p>To Iwaizumi’s relief, there’s a lot less waterworks when it’s his time to leave a few days after Oikawa. You try your best to keep it together because you know how uncomfortable he’ll be trying to comfort you all by himself without Oikawa.</p><p> </p><p>You nuzzle your face into his chest as you embrace, and you make sure to keep the snot running down your nose from soaking his shirt.</p><p> </p><p>“Remember to call me when you land. And anytime afterwards. I don’t care what time it is. You can just call, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi chuckles and you feel the vibrations against your face. You try to commit his scent to memory, knowing you won’t smell it again for a long time. It’s too expensive for Iwaizumi to fly back just for a visit.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, I’ll call,” he promises reassuringly.</p><p> </p><p>“Good,” you mutter.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi pulls an arm away from your waist to pat the top of your head gently. Your body warms at the comforting and familiar sensation. You tell yourself not to forget what it feels like.</p><p> </p><p>You startles you when you feel Iwaizumi place a soft kiss on the crown of your head. You tilt your chin upwards to look up at him and his smile is warm, like the warm summer sun kissing the tip of your nose. You’re going to miss all of those uneventful summers watching sci-fi movies in Oikawa’s room and catching beetles in Iwaizumi’s backyard. It feels like a lifetime ago.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re a gifted artist with the biggest heart,” he says quietly. “Don’t let Ushijima take what you need. He is the sun, but you are the beloved sunflower. You also deserve to shine.”</p><p> </p><p>You blink at Iwaizumi, processing his words. It feels like a century ago the two of you were sitting in Seijoh’s art room discussing your piece about the sunflowers. About the younger sister who also deserves to shine.</p><p> </p><p>Before you get a chance to reply, he brushes a strand of hair out of your face and tucks it behind your ear.</p><p> </p><p>“I should get going, Youko,” he murmurs.</p><p> </p><p>You blink slowly, your eyes searching for something on his face that you can’t quite place a finger on what. “Okay,” is all you can muster.</p><p> </p><p>Your feet are nailed to the ground as you watch Iwaizumi swing a duffel over his shoulder, his other hand pulling a suitcase behind him. Your eyes are fixed on his broad shoulders, his dark hair and then his warm smile as he waves one last time. You’re not sure, but you think you return his smile. Absentmindedly, you lift your own hand to wave goodbye to your precious person, one last time.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>Your last year of high school feels especially lonely. You didn’t actually spend that much time with your childhood friends when you were at school, but you miss the spontaneous hangouts together. You miss the constant bickering with Oikawa and the quiet walks home with Iwaizumi.</p><p> </p><p>To fill the void your friends left, you immerse yourself into your art. You become more proactive and contact multiple agencies to take on more commissions. It becomes easier to find clients after your last exhibit and you’re especially grateful to Nagasaki-san for his help.</p><p> </p><p>As expected, Ushijima qualifies for the Schweiden Adlers. However, to your discontent, one of the requirements in his contract is to move to Tokyo to practice. The idea of being apart doesn’t sit well with you but you try your best to come to terms with it. You should learn to be independent and you should be proud of Ushijima for his achievement. Your boyfriend is now a professional athlete after all.</p><p> </p><p>However, you can’t help but resent that you were born a year after your boyfriend and childhood friends. It feels like you’ve been left behind.</p><p> </p><p>After almost a month upon starting school, you finally have a free weekend to make the trip to go visit Ushijima. You take off right after school finishes on Friday afternoon and doze in and out on the various buses and trains you take to get to Tokyo. You groggily pick-up his keys from the front desk and let yourself into his apartment. Since he’s at practice, he isn’t able to meet you himself.</p><p> </p><p>By the time you get into his apartment, you drop yourself immediately onto his couch. Finding relief in comfortable and pleasant-smelling seats, you wonder how you’ll be able to continue making a 5-hour commute to see Ushijima. With his intense practice schedule and workout regime, it isn’t really possible for him to visit home for a weekend. He’d only be able to head back during the holidays. As for you, you can’t afford to miss school which means you have to head back home by Sunday afternoon.</p><p> </p><p>You sigh, pushing your worrying thoughts away. You’re here now. You’ll see Ushijima soon.</p><p> </p><p>Having some time alone in his one-bedroom apartment, you slowly open your eyes and take your time browsing his living space. He’s getting paid enough to afford a bigger place, but he tells you he just needs the basics. It isn’t until now that you realize he doesn’t even have a T.V. in front of the couch.</p><p> </p><p>You crane your head around to look around the kitchen and living area. You’re slightly appalled that Ushijima’s place only has the necessary furniture. He has two foldable chairs by a quant table as an eating space and the kitchen countertops are bare. He also lacks any kind of decoration like plants or photos. No coffee maker, no T.V., no decorations. The entire living space consists of only grays and whites. It’s very minimalist in a way. You’re slightly in awe by his living conditions but you then smile to yourself. It’s somehow exactly how you’d imagine his place to be.</p><p> </p><p>After a moment to recover, you begrudgingly get up and try to clean up his place while he’s gone. His place is already relatively clean, but you want to help in anyway you can. It’s weird how you have the urge to help clean his place when you never feel like doing it to your own living space.</p><p> </p><p>After a quick clean, you head out to one of the restaurants nearby. You make a quick internet search to ensure they serve healthy food that’s appropriate for Ushijima’s new eating regime. After making soup for Iwaizumi, you never dared to cook again. It definitely isn’t your thing. You shudder at the memory. That’s why hot takeout food is a wonderful alternative. The idea of him coming home to you, some warm food and a clean place makes you giddy inside. It’s how you imagined your life would be living together.</p><p> </p><p>You come back to his place and take a quick whiff of his hayashi rice. You’re excited to see the look on his face when he realizes you picked up his favourite food. You set up the food neatly on the small table and proceed to lie down on the couch. You glance at your phone quickly, reading Ushijima’s text that he’ll be home in 15 minutes. You sigh and close your eyes.</p><p> </p><p>You recall all the times Ushijima came over and sat quietly in your basement studio. All that idle time spent together was completely taken for granted. You remind yourself that you should enjoy all the little time you have with Ushijima. One day, you’ll look back and wish you had more of these quiet dinners together.</p><p> </p><p>Somehow between the last text Ushijima sent and now, you fell asleep. You blink tiredly to the sound of quiet knocking and you drag your feet to the front door, opening it slowly.</p><p> </p><p>When you look up at Ushijima’s sweat coated face, you feel utterly relieved. He has some hair stuck to his forehead from his sweat and his eyes soften as they gloss over your face. He’s only wearing a simple pair of black joggers with a navy track jacket, but he looks so effortlessly good. He’s always had a knack for that.</p><p> </p><p>“Welcome home, Wakatoshi” you mumble quietly, a small smile playing on your lips. The words slip through your lips so naturally, it feels like you’ve been saying it forever. You could get used to saying that for the rest of your life.</p><p> </p><p>The two of you spend so much time gazing fondly at each other that Ushijima doesn’t even have a chance to enter his own apartment. Upon the realization, you step aside slowly, allowing him entrance to his quant home.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m home, Youko,” he says.</p><p> </p><p>Once he enters, he closes the door behind him causing the cool metal door handle to slip from your grasp. Before you can even process his entry, he reaches down to place a soft kiss on your forehead. His lips feel hot against your skin and you instinctively lean into his touch. Your skin burns, desperate to feel his lips again. It’s only been a month, but it feels like it’s been years since you last saw him.</p><p> </p><p>“I got us dinner,” you say quickly. You watch him glance at the white takeout boxes on the small table before his eyes return to you. He frowns slightly.</p><p> </p><p>“You didn’t have to. I could have made us something,” he states almost sadly, his brows knitted in concern with a small frown on his lips.</p><p> </p><p>You grasp his hand and squeeze lightly. “It’s okay, Toshi. I wanted to.” You pull on his hand lightly, pulling him further inside. “Let’s eat. I got you your favourite hayashi rice. You must be starving.”</p><p> </p><p>You sneak a peek at Ushijima’s face and your eyes catch on his smile. To express his gratitude, he brings your small hand to his lips, kissing your knuckles softly. You’d be lying if you said the wind didn’t just knock out of your chest.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>You accidentally fall asleep on Ushijima’s bed waiting for him to finish showering. He wakes you up with a soft kiss to your cheek and your eyes flutter open to the sensation.</p><p> </p><p>“You shouldn’t fall asleep with your hair wet,” he softly scolds.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh huh…” you mumble.</p><p> </p><p>By the way Ushijima sharply blows air out of his nose, you assume he’s also shaking his head. He slips his hand behind the small of your back and he effortlessly lifts you to sit up. Due to your grogginess, you can’t quite hold yourself up and he lets you lean against his shoulder momentarily.</p><p> </p><p>“Sit, Youko. I’ll dry your hair for you.”</p><p> </p><p>You nod belatedly and try your best to sit up. The bed dips to his weight and you feel a soft towel caress your neck as Ushijima carefully dries your hair. For such a big and powerful man, you forget that he is also capable of being quite gentle.</p><p> </p><p>After he gets most of the moisture out of your hair, you feel his arms wrap around your figure and the heat radiating from his body as he embraces you. He nuzzles his nose into your hair and sighs deeply. <em>This is what it feels like to be cared for,</em> you remind yourself. <em>Don’t forget this feeling.</em></p><p> </p><p> You reach behind you to grasp his neck and rub soothing circles with your thumb. He places a soft kiss in your hair before regrettably letting go. You watch him tiredly as he hangs the towel back in the bathroom before returning to give you a fond smile as he leans against the doorframe.</p><p> </p><p>“You can sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.”</p><p> </p><p>It isn’t until now that you feel painfully awake. You did not travel 5 hours just to sleep apart from each other.</p><p> </p><p>“No Toshi, sleep in the bed.”</p><p> </p><p>He frowns as he crosses his arms across his broad chest. “I don’t want you sleeping on the couch. It won’t be good for your back.”</p><p> </p><p>You chuckle softly and reach out a hand towards him. “No, Toshi. I mean sleep in the bed, <em>with</em> me.”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima frowns even deeper and he reflexively looks over his shoulder, as if checking for someone else who may be in the room.</p><p> </p><p>“That wouldn’t be appropriate…” he says quietly. “I don’t think your mother will like that we are sleeping in the same bed.”</p><p> </p><p>You smile to yourself and shift across the room to hold his hand. All that tea time with your mother must’ve really gotten to him.</p><p> </p><p>“She doesn’t have to know,” you whisper conspiratorially.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima tries his best to resist your pull but doesn’t last long against your light tugging. He quickly flicks off the light and follows you swiftly into bed. He lies on his back and leaves an arm outstretched to let you cuddle up next to him. It isn’t particularly cold this time of year, but for some reason his apartment radiates a constant chilling air. Ushijima feels like a furnace in contrast and it only feels natural to curl up against him with your head resting on his chest.</p><p> </p><p>He threads his fingers through your hair and mindlessly combs through your locks as he drifts to sleep. You watch the rise and fall of his chest with tired eyes as it slows, his fingers beginning to slip from your hair. You forget you’re not the only one who’s tired. His breathing evens before he even gets a chance to bid you good night.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>The next morning, you’re abruptly woken up at an absurdly early time that would make anyone scowl. The sun hasn’t quite risen yet, the room casted in a deep shade of blue. You wake up startled, as if a sudden cannon had gone off, making you grumble a trail of profanities.</p><p> </p><p>You roll onto your side to watch Ushijima’s peaceful face, and as much as you love the gentle giant, you wanted to strangle him. You couldn’t sleep the whole night because of his audacious snoring.</p><p> </p><p>You always imagined your first night sleeping together being peaceful, adoring and full of love. You still love him of course but having no sleep would make anyone grumpy. Unfortunately, you had better sleep on a shaking bus than by your boyfriend’s side.</p><p> </p><p>With all your strength, you push him onto his side for the 100<sup>th</sup> time that night and shift over to cuddle him. You feel more like a jetpack than the big spoon but you love the feeling all the same. You miss embracing him like this.</p><p> </p><p>You nuzzle your face into the crevice between his shoulder blades and inhale his husky scent. It’s been awhile since you’ve felt so at home.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima shifts slightly to your embrace and you’re grateful that his immensely disruptive snoring has finally stopped. You slip a hand into his shirt and rest your small hand against his hot chest. With your thumb, you rub small, gentle circles on his skin as your eyes flutter close.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m in love with you, Wakatoshi,” you whisper.</p><p> </p><p>The moment of silence that follows makes it feel as though the whole world was holding its breath with you. You find a sense of comfort professing your love for him while he slept because there’s something about admitting you’re in love. Admitting that you’d make the jump off the cliff, to trust someone with your heart.</p><p> </p><p>Meeting Ushijima felt like fate. Over the last year, you learned that loving him felt like coming home. When he expresses his admiration for you, you feel like you’re caught in a never ending high. When he looks at you, you feel like you’re the only one he sees. Every day you’re with him, or even when you’re not, you know he’s always thinking of you just like you are thinking of him.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima is a quiet man, never quite understanding your jokes or your art but he never complained. He tries his best to understand everything about you because it’s important to him to know. Talking about himself never felt natural until he met you. He’s never told anyone about his dreams or his ambitions because all people do when they meet him is assume who he is. He’s only tried to express himself after meeting you.</p><p> </p><p>You’re startled when Ushijima shifts and rolls over to face you. He reaches an arm over your figure and watches you through fluttering eyelashes. You notice some sleep crust at the edges of his eyes and you can’t help but think he looks beautiful regardless.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima’s gaze pierces you deeply. Slowly, he brushes a strand of hair away from your face, his hot breath tickling your lips. Before you can process what’s happening, he repeats your words lowly before pressing his lips against yours.</p><p> </p><p>As you kiss him, you repeat his words over and over, never wanting to forget how your name rolled across his lips so naturally with those words. <em>“I love you, Youko.”</em></p><p> </p><p>As you clasp his face, deepening the kiss, your heart swells realizing that he’s ready to take the leap with you. The two of you will have each other, hands clasped as you both jump into the abyss of your first loves.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima grips your thigh and pulls it over his hip as he kisses you more passionately. Your body burns with a heat you’ve never experienced before and you pull away quickly as you look at him with hooded eyes. “You have practice soon, Toshi.”</p><p> </p><p>The edge of his lips curve into a smirk as he flips over on top of you, his body completely encasing yours in his never-ending heat.</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” he says before kissing you again.</p><p> </p><p>You laugh at how absurd this situation is; Ushijima picking something over his beloved volleyball. It’s unheard of.</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes wander over your lover’s face and you remind yourself to remember everything about him. The way his eyes sparkle looking into your own, the way his kisses are soft yet passionate.<em> This is how it’s supposed to be,</em> you tell yourself. This is what it means to be with someone. The gentleness, the passion, the warmth. All of it. He is all yours.</p><p> </p><p>When he kisses you again, he mutters against your lips with a smile.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing will ruin this moment with you, Youko.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>When I sent this over to my sister to edit, she asked me if I was going to write “the dirty” LMAO. I’m not sure if this is good or bad news for you all, but I will not be writing any kind of dirty in this fic hahaha</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. dream bigger</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone! Sorry for the longer wait but I am back with more!! I’m not sure if people are interested to know, but this fic is outlined to be 9 chapters. But who knows, I always end up writing more than I initially planned so it could be more lol.</p><p>As a heads up, I won’t be writing (hopefully) for the next 1-2 weeks because I should be studying for my finals. After that, I’m hoping to marathon write and finish this fic before the next term starts! :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Your first semester of senior year finally ends and you are greeted with your long awaited visit to Tokyo. You resisted watching Ushijima’s games on T.V. because you wanted to see the fantastical moment with your own bare eyes. You watch your first professional game and you’re so glad you waited. Ushijima is utterly stunning.</p><p> </p><p>It makes you blush and giddy that he still manages to find you in the vast stadium to give you his warm smiles. This time, he gives you a smile after the 4<sup>th</sup> set, giving you some time to breathe from the intense game and his deep gaze. Next to you, is someone even more excited about Ushijima’s gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“Gosh! He is completely in love with you!”</p><p> </p><p>The comment makes your face flare a bright red and you sink lower in your seat despite how happy it makes you to hear it. You feel Ushijima’s best friend’s sharp gaze on your face and it makes you sink even deeper in your seat.</p><p> </p><p>“Please don’t say that so openly, Tendou-san. It’s embarrassing…” you mutter.</p><p> </p><p>Tendou laughs a rather high-pitched laugh that you’re not quite used to yet. He shakes his head in amusement. “Please! Just Tendou is fine,” he says lightly. “<em>My oh my</em>, Wakatoshi is so secretive! I wish we officially met much sooner Satomi,” he grins. “I quite like you.”</p><p> </p><p>You laugh lightly to yourself. You never imagined Ushijima’s best friend to be so flamboyant and energetic. However, it doesn’t seem unfitting at all. You’re glad he’s had Tendou all these years.</p><p> </p><p>“I knew you must’ve been a special girl when Wakatoshi started bringing someone to practice. He’s never been one to initiate anything,” Tendou says lightly.</p><p> </p><p>You chuckle, “You’d be surprised with how direct he was.” The words slipping out before you realize, recalling his spontaneous visits to your house.</p><p> </p><p>“Ohoho? What’s the story behind that?”</p><p> </p><p>You pass a glance at Tendou and smile nervously. “Maybe I shouldn’t share too much… I don’t want to share things Toshi isn’t comfortable with…”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh Satomi, you <em>cannot</em> tease me like that. C’mon, spill just a little. It’ll be our little secret,” Tendou winks.</p><p> </p><p>Your lip flexes as you try to hold back a playful smile. You’re tempted to spill everything about your relationship actually. You never had a friend to be giddy with when you started dating Ushijima and now you’ve finally met a friend of Ushijima’s who knows sides of your boyfriend that you’re not familiar with. What was Ushijima like in class? What was he like giving group presentations? What was he like when he ate in the cafeteria? These were things that were too mundane for him to share but made you all the more curious to know.</p><p> </p><p>You decide to recount quickly about Ushijima’s spontaneous visits to your home and how embarrassing it was that he actually enjoyed having tea with your mother – without you. Tendou laughed his booming laugh and told you how Ushijima’s adept at listening because of Tendou’s constant chatter in their shared dorms. He apologizes for making Ushijima such a keen listener.</p><p> </p><p>The final set begins and it instantly brings the both of you back to the edge of your seats. You’re grateful that you don’t have to hold back your explosive reactions when Ushijima scores because Tendou jumps even faster to his feet to cheer.</p><p> </p><p>One time, he even boasts to everyone around you that he used to play high school volleyball with the Adler’s number 11. In your excitement, you almost burst out screaming to one-up Tendou by telling everyone around you that you’re dating that specimen of a man. You’re glad you bit your tongue in time because you know Ushijima’s public reputation is at stake. You’ve made sure to avoid being explicit about your relationship on social media for that reason. News travels fast and it would make the both of you uncomfortable if your pictures were cluttering everyone’s feeds.</p><p> </p><p>When Ushijima lands the final winning point, you jump to your feet with Tendou and cheer even louder. You quickly forget to be discrete and instead proudly show off Ushijima’s alternate jersey that you’re wearing. You beam with pride as you watch Ushijima’s teammates rush towards him and pat him aggressively on the back. Your heart warms as you notice a glimmer of a smile on his lips from all the affection he receives. Your heart throbs as he looks up at you, eyes crinkling into a bright smile as his teeth sparkle from its sudden appearance. You’re completely smitten with this man.</p><p> </p><p>You absently watch the other spectators leave the stadium as you and Tendou remain standing, legs still slightly trembling from your previous excitement. Tendou nudges you to point at Ushijima being pulled into an interview and from the amazing seats you have, you manage to hear excerpts of the conversation.</p><p> </p><p>“…amazing play to top off your consistent performance. What has helped you maintain your cool during these challenging matches?”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima’s baritone voice doesn’t carry as well in the loud stadium and you’re left a bit upset that you can’t hear what he has to say. It’s something about seeing your partner speak professionally that makes you swoon a little. Or maybe it was the way his jersey clung to him or the bead of sweat dripping down his temple. You tell yourself it’s because of the first reason.</p><p> </p><p>“…and who has helped you get to where you are today?”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima immediately looks up with you, striking you with such a piercing gaze that you immediately curl up within yourself, feeling like you’ve gotten into trouble for no apparent reason. You see Ushijima mutter a few words before jumping over the barrier, bound up the steps to clasp your face between his large, calloused hands. He kisses you deeply and your lips are frozen in place from being too shocked to respond. A playful smirk appears on his lips as your eyes widen and your face blushes a dark red.</p><p> </p><p>So much for not telling everyone you’re dating.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>“I’m never attending your games if you’re going to pull that off again,” you grumble the next morning while giving Ushijima a haircut.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t mean that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh Toshi, I totally do,” you retort.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima playfully snorts and the sound startles you enough to fumble the pair of scissors in your hand.</p><p> </p><p>“I want everyone to know you’re mine,” he says rather casually but also confidently.</p><p> </p><p>You stop your snipping and frown at him, even though he can’t see it. You’re glad he can’t because your face burns a blazing bright red. “Why do you always say stuff like that…” you mumble quietly.</p><p> </p><p>You continue your quiet snipping for several moments before breaking the silence. “I’ve wanted to tell you that I’ve been invited to this huge artist event where a bunch of big names come and run workshops. It’s an amazing opportunity to network and I’ve heard that the workshops are also really informational,” you say, a small smile creeping onto your lips.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s great, Youko. You’ll meet other amazing people there.”</p><p> </p><p>You brush away some hair off his neck and come around in front of him to take a final look at your handiwork. You’ve never cut hair before but it looks decent. Decent enough that Ushijima can still play on live television without getting embarrassing comments about his hair.</p><p> </p><p>After your quick assessment, you sit in a chair in front of him and your smile falls slightly as you look into those intense eyes of his.</p><p> </p><p>“The problem is that it takes place right when next semester ends…” you sigh tiredly, your eyes averting Ushijima’s gaze. “That’s when you’re finally coming back to Miyagi for the holidays and we were going to take that trip together. I didn’t give an answer yet because I wanted to talk it over with you first.”</p><p> </p><p>You’re not sure when, but your lip finds its place between your teeth as you chew on it anxiously.</p><p> </p><p>“You should do it, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>Your lips suddenly part and you look up at Ushijima with bright eyes. The two of you have talked about taking a trip for a while and you were really excited about it. Ushijima wouldn’t be as busy during the holidays and he would’ve had time for you. You would’ve had his undivided attention.</p><p> </p><p>“Really? How about our trip? We’ve been talking about it for so long.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay, we can reschedule it. I can take time off another time.”</p><p> </p><p>You open your mouth to thank him but catch yourself when you realize Ushijima isn’t done talking.</p><p> </p><p>“… besides, I’m going to be attending a training camp in Kyoto during that time.”</p><p> </p><p>Your feelings of relief quickly fade and your brows furrow in confusion. “Wait, the same week? You never mentioned that.”</p><p> </p><p>“I couldn’t decline it. It’s a good opportunity for me to meet other talented players in Japan.” Ushijima stands up abruptly to brush off his hair off his shoulders and lap. “But now we’re both busy, so we can just reschedule our trip. We’re in no rush.”</p><p> </p><p>You find yourself slumping in your seat, eyes fixed on the scattered olive hair on the kitchen floor. “Right…” you say quietly. “Maybe when I finish school then.”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima leans in to kiss you softly on the forehead as he brushes a lock of hair behind your ear. “Yes. It’ll be easier to arrange a trip when we are both living together in Tokyo.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>It takes you awhile to transition to regular school life without regularly seeing Ushijima. You were spoiled by his presence during your summer break and it’s been difficult being left with short, abrupt texts or 15-minute videocalls before he goes to bed. It’s been two months since your second semester started and you finally have a mini break in your schedule to cut studying short for once.</p><p> </p><p>You lean back against the headboard of your bed, a lamp dimly lighting the side of your face as you squint at your phone screen. It’s just past midnight for you but it’s mid-afternoon for Iwaizumi.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, it’s really loud here. Let me find a quieter place to go,” he says quickly, your spontaneous call taking him by surprise.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry Hajime, are you busy? We can talk another time. I realized you might be busy <em>after</em> I pressed call.”</p><p> </p><p>You hear some shuffling and watch the screen drop to the side of his leg. You realize you don’t recognize the pair of shorts he’s wearing and it makes you shift uncomfortably in bed. This is the longest you and Iwaizumi have spent apart and you’re beginning to notice how many things are different about him. His hair is different, his skin tone is different, his clothes are different.</p><p> </p><p>The two of you haven’t done the greatest job in keeping touch and a part of you feels like he’s growing into a different person without you.  The nagging feeling of being left behind has never quite settled in your stomach.</p><p> </p><p>By the time the camera returns to Iwaizumi’s face, you realize he’s sitting on the steps of a staircase. You notice the sweat coating his face and you’re reminded of the terrible smell he radiates when he’s sweaty. For some reason, you miss it.</p><p> </p><p>“Is everything okay, Youko? How are you?”</p><p> </p><p>You give Iwaizumi a weak smile and shift in your bed. You don’t have any major issues going on in your life right now but there is an aching feeling in the pit of your belly that you haven’t quite placed a finger on. Seeing Iwaizumi’s face, even if through a screen, helps you relax and you feel your shoulders drop from your ears slightly.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m okay I guess, as well as I can be. How are you Hajime?”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi’s eyes narrow marginally and he opens his mouth for a moment, considering his response. He decides to ignore the tiredness in your voice.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve been… I’ve been pretty good actually,” he says with a soft chuckle. You feel a smile creep on your face before you can even control it. “I’ve been busy, but it’s been a good busy,” he adds.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m really glad to hear that,” you say warmly. “Honestly, you look well. Your hair’s a little long, but you look good otherwise,” you tease.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi runs a tanned hand through his hair, and you try to remember what it’s like to feel that hand run through your own hair. How could you be forgetting such a familiar feeling already?</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to cut it…” he says sheepishly, his cheeks turning a slight pink. “It’s not that bad yet though, right?”</p><p> </p><p>You laugh lightly, “No it’s not that bad yet.”</p><p> </p><p>The two of you find yourselves in comfortable silence, just taking in the other’s features. Iwaizumi was pretty good at calling you when he first landed in L.A. You used to call every couple of days to update each other on mundane things. With school picking up for the both of you, the two of you called every couple of weeks.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you really doing okay? Has Ushijima been taking care of you? He seems like he’s been pretty busy too,” Iwaizumi says, failing to mask the concern in his voice. “I’m always here for you y’know? I know I’m busy, but you can still call me anytime.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” you say quietly. You get settled into bed and lie on your side, letting the day’s exhaustion really sink in. “I miss you Hajime,” you admit softly.</p><p> </p><p>You watch Iwaizumi’s expression fall and his eyes are downcast. “I miss you too, Youko,” he says so quietly you almost miss it.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you know when you’ll come visit Japan? It feels like it’s been so long,” you ask in such a small child-like voice, you don’t even recognize your own voice.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi sighs and his face seems to drop even further. “I don’t know, Youko. School’s been busy and I have stuff lined up when I’m not in school too…” he says hesitantly.</p><p> </p><p>“I know… It’d just be nice to have an idea of when I’d get to see you next. Something to look forward to y’know?”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi scratches the back of his head and looks away sheepishly. “Um, yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>“Your mom came by recently for dinner and she said that her and your dad are more likely to visit you before you have a chance to come home.” You pause to read Iwaizumi’s face and you feel frustrated that your tiny phone screen prevents you from reading him like you usually can. You can’t see the way his shoulders have slouched or the way his other hand grips his shorts tightly. You just see his face, his familiar yet foreign face, through a stupid screen with terrible quality. “Is everything okay?” you ask earnestly.</p><p> </p><p>He frowns slightly and you at least don’t miss the way he squeezes his eyes tight quickly. “Yeah… like I said. I’m just busy.”</p><p> </p><p>You chew on your bottom lip and strain your eyes further for any other signs. Maybe Iwaizumi really was just busy<em>. It’s tough living in a foreign country and learning a new language. It makes sense to be stressed,</em> you tell yourself.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, Hajime,” you settle with.</p><p> </p><p>Before he has a chance to say anything, his face is obscured by an incoming videocall from Ushijima. You’re roused by the sudden notification, never having received a call from Ushijima after 10pm before.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, Toshi’s calling. He’s not usually up this late, I’ll call you tomorrow or something okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi gives you a weak smile before saying <em>“Okay”</em> and promptly hangs up. You pull down the incoming call notification and accept the call as quickly as you can. You’re met with a rather dark screen in contrast to Iwaizumi’s well-lit staircase, and you see a hint of a reflection of the phone screen in Ushijima’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Toshi, is everything okay? You’re usually sleeping by now.”</p><p> </p><p>You wait excruciating long for an answer as you wait for the rustling sounds to cease.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m okay, Youko,” Ushijima mumbles slowly. You hear him shift another time before hearing his voice again. “I just wanted to see you.”</p><p> </p><p>You frown slightly and your brows knit in worry. “What’s wrong? I’m here.”</p><p> </p><p>“I had a bad dream,” he mutters. “You were hurt.”</p><p> </p><p>Your heart squeezes at his words, how vulnerable he sounds from a bad dream. He didn’t have those when you stayed with him over the summer.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m okay, Toshi. I’m okay,” you say reassuringly.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a long pause and you feel yourself drifting asleep. You almost miss it when Ushijima speaks again.</p><p> </p><p>“I wish you could be by my side. I wish I could wake up next to you.”</p><p> </p><p>You feel your throat tighten as you swallow thickly. You wish you could be with him too. You wish you didn’t have to be apart from everyone important to you.</p><p> </p><p>“Me too,” you murmur. “After my workshop and your training camp, you’ll be back home with me”</p><p> </p><p>There’s a pause and you watch the glittering reflection in his eyes slowly disappear. You hear his soft breathing as he drifts asleep.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you Wakatoshi. Sleep well, my love.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>At your workshop, you schedule your last exhibit in your high school career. It isn’t as grand as the one Nagasaki-san helped you participate in, but it’s still something to look forward to. You learn about various colleges where you can continue to pursue art and where you can continue to pursue your passion; the dream of making connections with others through your art. Thinking about the future excites you, but it also completely scares you.</p><p> </p><p>You’ve been dreaming about when you can finally be with Ushijima. In any possible way you could imagine. You want to wake up next to him, you want to quietly eat dinner together every night, you want to grow up and be his equal. You want to be his partner and not labelled his “high school girlfriend”. You just want to catch up to him.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima has been pursuing his dreams headfirst and things have been unraveling perfectly for him. He’s so accomplished, so rightfully confident. They were achievements you desired with your whole heart, but you knew it didn’t come easily. He worked hard and it inspires you to do the same.</p><p> </p><p>You tell your mentors at the workshop that your first choice is to study in Tokyo, of course hiding your real excuse with vague reasons like “<em>It’s a big city, I’ll have more opportunities to attract clients”</em> or <em>“It’s where I’m the most comfortable, I can go home if I need to but I’m still in a different environment to inspire creativity”</em>. They kindly agree, but they also gently encourage you to think bigger. <em>“Oh, I know. Tokyo isn’t the only place I’m applying to,”</em> you tell them. <em>“I was also thinking Kyoto, Sapporo, Sendai. They have good schools too.”</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>Your mentors shake their heads and you frown at their reaction. <em>“Satomi, you have big dreams. But there’s room for you to dream bigger. Apply overseas,” </em>they tell you. <em>“UCLA,” </em>they say with a grin, tentatively awaiting your reaction. <em>“They have an amazing program and being somewhere completely new will definitely develop your art.”</em> You think of Iwaizumi and how he was brave enough to move so far away from home for his dream. It’d be nice to have a friend there, you think. But then you think of Ushijima. You think about how you’ve yearned to be by his side, physically, emotionally, and confidently.</p><p> </p><p>You shake your head with wistful eyes and thank them for the suggestion. Your plans are in Tokyo. Your plans are with Ushijima. You’re meant to be together.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima returns to Miyagi for New Years and the two of you visit the temple together. It only occurs to you when you’re on your way there that it’s the first time you’re celebrating New Years together. It’s always been a tradition to go with Iwaizumi and Oikawa and you feel your stomach turn realizing their absence again. You pull out your phone quickly to send them both a text. You’re not surprised when you receive a reply immediately from Oikawa saying, <em>“it’s not new yr yet, u idiot.” </em>You scoff before swiftly replying with a, <em>“it is for me, <strong>dumbass</strong>,” </em>before tucking your phone back in your pocket with a small smile.</p><p> </p><p>“Who was it?” Ushijima asks curiously, his eyes flicking quickly to your hunched form before returning to the road.</p><p> </p><p>“Tooru’s an idiot,” you say with a small sigh.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh. I see,” Ushijima says with no surprise in his tone.</p><p> </p><p>He pulls into the lot and unsurprisingly finds a spot rather easily. You like to think Ushijima’s been blessed with unworldly luck for the both of you, leaving you with the short end of the stick. There was that time he bent down to tie his shoelaces and a loose poster tossing in the wind managed to fly over his hunched form and right into your face. Or that time a seagull pooped perfectly only on your hand even though his hand was also grasping yours. It was really unfair.</p><p> </p><p>You expect your fortunes to reflect the same but still find yourself excited to find out.</p><p> </p><p>“Toshi, what fortune did you get last year?” you ask, remembering to grasp his hand from underneath.</p><p> </p><p>“Great blessing,” he says simply.</p><p> </p><p>You sigh. “Of course you did,” you say defeatedly.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima quirks an eyebrow at you and frowns slightly. “They’re random, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>“No they’re not,” you rebut childishly.</p><p> </p><p>“There’s no way a piece of paper will determine your fortune for the year. <em>You</em> control what happens to you,” he states rather sternly. “I just take one because my mother always wants to.”</p><p> </p><p>“They are most definitely not random, Wakatoshi. I find mine always reflect what happens to me in the year. I had great blessing last year and that’s when I had that huge exhibit,” you say, your chin tipping upwards higher than usual.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima relents and gives you a small smile with a soft squeeze with his hand, “Okay, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>When you get your fortunes, you hunch over both of your hands excitedly, making sure you’ll see both of them at the same time. Ushijima could not care any less about synchronizing the reveal, but he tries his best to follow your commands.</p><p> </p><p>“3…2…1- Toshi! I said after 1 not <em>on</em> 1!” you exclaim, opening your fortune hurriedly to catch up to him.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh. Sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>The both of you frown as you stare at the faded characters printed on the sheet.</p><p> </p><p>“This can’t be right,” you say in disbelief. “I get it if <em>I</em> get it. But why do you have it too? It makes no sense.”</p><p> </p><p>Despite how much Ushijima expressed his indifference with the fortunes, he frowns at the matching print in both of your hands.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Curse.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Well, this has never happened before,” he states.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m bad luck,” you say exasperatedly. “And I mean <em>real</em> bad because even you got it…”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>“…a-and now you’ll be stuck with me forever which means you’ll have bad luck forever!”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima frowns. “That can’t be why.” He pulls the paper from your hands and buries both of your fortunes carelessly in his pant pocket. He takes your hands in his and speaks softly, “This year I’ll be with you. I’ll be living my dream.” He pauses and you see a small grin peeking out. “Youko, I qualified for the Olympic team.”</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes widen and you feel the sudden onset of tears in your eyes. “Y-you… you what?”</p><p> </p><p>“I received my email a few days ago. I wanted to tell you in person.”</p><p> </p><p>This is it. This is all Ushijima has ever wanted and it’s really coming true. This is his reality. It’s no longer a dream.</p><p> </p><p>A grin spreads across your face and your heart swells, gripping his hands tightly in response. “That’s amazing, Toshi! Congratulations. I’m so proud of you!”</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Youko,” Ushijima says tenderly. His sparkling eyes betray his attempt to downplay his announcement.</p><p> </p><p>You feel a tear drip down your cheek and let go quickly to wipe it with the back of your hand. “…Guess I really am all the bad luck,” you tease, laughing through the onset of happy tears. You eye Ushijima playfully gauging his reaction.</p><p> </p><p>His lips curve into a smile just before he leans in to press a chaste kiss on your forehead. “I’ll endure any misfortunes to be with you, Youko.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Big news for our boy ushi!!! But I have to know… how many of you are still on team iwa? By sister edits all of my chapters and when she finished reading this one, she startled me by suddenly saying “I STILL BELIEVE IN IWA-CHAN!” hahaha</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. crushed dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I just want to apologize for the delayed update because I was so wrapped up with other projects I wanted to do this break that I barely got this chapter done. This one was especially tough but at the same time easy to write because it reflects a lot of emotions I’ve been through. I hope I was able to convey the emotions correctly - enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Luckily, Ushijima isn’t scheduled to play a game the day of your long-awaited high school graduation. He sits beside your mom with all the other parents, his pure size and muscle bulk making him stick out like a sore thumb. The pair was also easy to spot because many parents had their heads turned, gaping at “<em>Miyagi’s volleyball prodigy</em>”. It made your mom nervously laugh, unsure how she was supposed to respond to the sudden attention.</p><p> </p><p>The parents even had the audacity to pull out their phones to snap some photos. Though, they turn away quickly when Ushijima stares back at them in confusion which actually comes off as a glare.  The contrasting look on his face compared to your mom’s uncomfortable smile was quite the scene to see.</p><p> </p><p>It’s all quickly forgotten when it’s your turn to take those steps across the stage. They watch you proudly, eyes beaming, in which you return with a sheepish smile. Graduation is bittersweet. You weren’t accepted to any of the schools in Tokyo. You received an acceptance from a college in a much smaller town, but you weren’t happy with that. You wanted more.</p><p> </p><p>A part of you regrets not applying to that American college your mentors recommended. Studying abroad seemed so surreal let alone attending a prestigious program. The little voice in your head tells you that you wouldn’t have made it anyways. You saved money by not applying.</p><p> </p><p>Rejection ignited mixed feelings in your heart. You had a new fire in you to achieve something empowering. However, you were also admittedly defeated. This wasn’t part of the plan. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. You weren’t supposed to be a failure. You weren’t supposed to feel even further behind. The little voice comes back to remind you that, <em>“New Years fortunes are always right, this year will be a curse.”</em></p><p> </p><p>You expected Ushijima and your mom to be disappointed in you. They never indicated that they’d be unhappy if you didn’t make it into the school you wanted but you felt embarrassed on their behalf. No one wants their child to pursue such an unstable career. <em>“Miyagi’s volleyball prodigy”</em> doesn’t want a pathetic, unsuccessful girlfriend by his side. Ushijima has everything going for him. His renown athletic ability helped him land a career, a spot on the team that’ll achieve the one true dream he’s always imagined. You… you are <em>nothing</em> next to him.</p><p> </p><p>The frustration eats you alive because you hate feeling this helpless. Your mom’s perseverance to make ends meet without your dad taught you to be strong. She taught you that with hard work, you can achieve whatever you put your heart into. As long as you can keep your two feet on the ground, you can handle anything. But that was the problem; you’re not handling it. That’s the haunting reality of it.</p><p> </p><p>Since you don’t have any commitments to a city based on your education, you move in with Ushijima. Your mom bids you goodbye with teary eyes and grasps Ushijima’s hands and whispers quietly when she thinks you’re not looking. <em>“Take care of her. Remind her to love herself at least as much as we do.”</em>  The sight makes your throat tighten and the words make you stiff. What was there to love about you? If your passion isn’t enough to get you to where you want to be, what is?</p><p> </p><p>You lie in bed on top of the cool covers, staring blankly at the ceiling as Ushijima shuffles around your now shared room. You watch him place your clothes into a set of drawers from a dresser he bought specifically for you. You were feeling too tired to do it yourself and ignored his suggestion to finish up moving your things in before you took your shower. You’re reminded that Ushijima doesn’t like the clutter and would rather keep things in closets, cabinets and dressers instead of on the tops of tables, chairs and suitcases.</p><p> </p><p>You watch him idly as he organizes your clothes neatly, trying to find comfort in the rhythmic ticking of the clock and the sound of Ushijima shuffling. You’ve been in deep self-depreciating holes before. You’ve belittled your abilities before. But you came back from it. You’d pick yourself up, figure out what’s wrong and fix it. Why isn’t it happening this time?</p><p> </p><p>You miss Iwaizumi. You miss his calming words, his reassurance, his encouragement. You miss the push he gave when you needed it. It wasn’t aggressive enough to make you recoil from the blow, but it woke you up. He reminded you why you do the things that you do. He’d put you back on track. You knew that, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to tell him about your failures. It’s easier to hide from him when he’s halfway across the world. You can’t depend on him because he’s not <em>here.</em></p><p> </p><p>You’re startled out of your thoughts when Ushijima flicks off the lights and climbs into bed. He pulls the covers from under you to drape it over you instead. He lies on his side, and despite the darkness in the room, you know that he’s tentatively watching you. Ushijima’s a brick when it comes to understanding emotions, but he knows something is wrong. He knows you’re not okay. He just doesn’t know what to do.</p><p> </p><p>You roll onto your side to face him, a hand clasped under your cheek while the other is cradled near your chest. You shift closer, not enough to touch, but enough to feel the heat he radiates. You’re tempted by the warmth, to feel his body cradle yours, but you couldn’t fight past the feeling that it was wrong. You didn’t want to taint him.</p><p> </p><p>“Why do you love me, Toshi?” you whisper quietly, the words becoming trapped in the darkness as Ushijima considers his response.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe he <em>doesn’t</em> love you anymore. Maybe he’ll tell you this isn’t what he signed up for. This isn’t the partner he wanted.</p><p> </p><p>The pause is suffocating and you feel your throat tighten. You feel your eyes water and you swallow the knot trapped in your throat.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m a failure,” you whisper, your voice wavering slightly. “I took on all these projects in high school to better myself, but it’s not enough for these colleges to want me. I wanted my art to inspire people. I wanted to connect with people. I wanted to share my work with everyone everywhere. But these schools… they don’t want me.” You feel your voice break and you’re unable to hold back the whirlwind of emotions you’ve been holding back. “Why do <em>you</em> want me?”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima threads his hand through your hair and pulls you against his body. Your body shakes against his as you sob into his chest, grasping his shirt tightly within your shaking hands. Ushijima waits as you cry, your nose congesting uncomfortably, your eyes swelling rapidly. He lets you cry until your breathing evens, wavering still, but it slows. He holds you tightly against him until you relax, until you stop shaking. You listen to his even heartbeat and his even breaths and it gives you something to focus on.</p><p> </p><p>When the sound of your shuddering breaths ceases, Ushijima whispers into the crown of your head.</p><p> </p><p>“You inspire me, Youko. You’re the reason why I’m here today.” He pulls away slightly to brush a wet strand of hair out of your face. Your eyes have adjusted to the darkness and you’re able to see the serious orbs looking back at you. “Your passion, your drive, your heart. You’ve taught me how to chase my dreams, how to work my hardest, how to love. What is there not to love about you? Are you unhappy with yourself, Youko? I don’t understand.”</p><p> </p><p>You feel the onset of tears and choke a sob. You know he means everything he said, but why don’t they mean anything to you? Why isn’t it enough to put you back on track?</p><p> </p><p>“I’m working hard, I’m trying my best, but I’m not where I want to be,” you try to explain. “Here you are playing for Japan’s national team, attending the Olympics next year, and then there’s <em>me</em>. Just plain old me. I feel like I’m drifting further and further away from my dream. It’s like people don’t quite understand my art. They don’t understand me, and I think that’s what hurts the most. I’m giving everything I have.”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima strokes your head soothingly, taking his time to muster a response. You tell yourself to focus on his breathing and to hold back the tears that want to so desperately leave your swollen eyes.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Not everyone will be able to understand your art. But that doesn’t make you less of a person or less of an artist. People don’t have to understand your art to understand your passion. This is you, Youko. You shouldn’t change that.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>You realize the words you hear are only in your head, in Iwaizumi’s voice. You wish he could be here to tell you that. He would know the right thing to say. He would know how to comfort you.</p><p> </p><p>You shut your eyes, feeling the dull ache in your chest become sharper as you force your thoughts away from Iwaizumi. You want to cry in frustration that the person you need most isn’t here with you. That the person you need most isn’t the one right in front of you.</p><p> </p><p>You take measured breaths as you wait for Ushijima’s reply. You wish with your whole being that he can say what you want to hear, what you <em>need</em> to hear. You’re met with Ushijima’s baritone voice, his concerned eyes studying you, brows slightly wrinkled in confusion.</p><p> </p><p>You heart sinks slightly when you realize he won’t be saying what you need to hear. He understands that you’re hurting, but he doesn’t know how to help. He doesn’t understand <em>you</em>. Your heart squeezes when you only get four words in return.</p><p> </p><p>“You’ll get there, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>You never discover that breakthrough you were hoping for. It’s been over half a year since your breakdown with Ushijima and you don’t find yourself <em>“getting there”</em>. You texted Iwaizumi a month afterwards about the rejection and let all his calls go to voicemail.</p><p> </p><p>You knew he’d know what to say, but somehow you didn’t want to let yourself hear it. You didn’t want to hear him tell you you’re amazing and gifted and so much more than a school rejection letter. You wanted to wallow, self-deprecate and punish yourself. You wanted to remember the hurt and disappointment so that you would never let yourself feel this way again.</p><p> </p><p>Somewhere within yourself, you also knew that wasn’t the only reason why you didn’t want to pick up. You didn’t want the reminder that you needed someone else to bring you back. Someone other than your lover, your partner and most precious person. You never had a problem with depending on Iwaizumi during emotional setbacks, but for some reason you wanted <em>this</em> time to be the one where you could depend on Ushijima.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima is <em>here</em> with you. He should be the one supporting you, his hand on the small of your back giving you a small nudge until you find your way again. Instead, it feels like he’s holding your hand a step ahead, pulling you along in his tracks reminding you that everything will be okay as long as you’re together.</p><p> </p><p>And you tell yourself it does feel okay. That <em>you</em> are okay because you have him and he has you. You are where you’re supposed to be, together with him. But you’d be lying to yourself if you said it felt right. If this is how things are supposed to be, why don’t you feel okay?</p><p> </p><p>Over the last few months, you take on commissioned work every now and then for some income. It’s not much, but you get by. You have the comfort of Ushijima’s flattering salary and you let yourself explore opportunities you normally wouldn’t take. You need the experience. You need to meet people who have different interpretations of art, even if you don’t quite like what they ask of you.</p><p> </p><p>Today you pack up to attend a project you accepted in your hometown. It’s regrettably for a month but you know it’s an opportunity you can’t pass up.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll come back right after the mid-autumn festival,” you remind Ushijima, squeezing his hand lightly as he drives you to the train station.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” he says blankly, never taking his eyes off the road.</p><p> </p><p>“And I’ll be back for good 2 weeks after that,” you add, watching Ushijima’s face carefully as he drives. You worry because you know how unhappy it makes Ushijima being apart from you. He doesn’t like to be reminded of the endless time you spent apart when you were still in high school.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” he says again, his tone unable to mask his worry.</p><p> </p><p>He pulls into the passenger drop-off area and swiftly unbuckles his seatbelt to get your things. You take a deep breath before following him out of the car. You watch him lift your luggage out of the trunk, his eyes downcast in a way that makes your heart clench.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima rolls the suitcase in front of you, still grasping the handle but not quite handing it off to you. He makes sure to avoid your eyes. Ever since you moved in with him, you’ve never been apart for more than a weekend.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you, Toshi,” you say. You search his eyes for any indication that he’ll give you a memorable goodbye that’ll keep you going the next two weeks.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you too, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>You grasp his hand on top of the handle and squeeze it gently, encouraging him to look at you. He does, only after swallowing thickly.</p><p> </p><p>“Do your best,” he manages.</p><p> </p><p>You give him a small smile and intertwine your fingers. “I will.”</p><p> </p><p>He watches you carefully in anticipation, as if you were a fragile vase just teetering off the edge of a table. He’s been on edge for a while, but you could never get him to talk about it. You didn’t want to push his boundaries as it was never natural for him to share much about his feelings. He’s been treading on glass around you, not quite understanding how to be the supportive figure you need. You didn’t want to pressure him for not having figured it out yet.</p><p> </p><p>“Will you be sad without me?” he asks, giving you his serious stare that normally intimidates most people. But you know that look, and it only means that he’s trying to get his point across.</p><p> </p><p>“Of course,” you reply almost instantly.</p><p> </p><p>He mulls your response and squeezes your hand tightly. “Will you be sad… like before?”</p><p> </p><p>Your breath catches in your throat, realizing Ushijima’s worry is rooted to the breakdown he wasn’t able to help you out of. Ushijima looks so heart wrenchingly vulnerable in this moment and you feel guilty for resenting him for not knowing what to say. How could he? He was trying his best to understand. That should be enough for you.</p><p> </p><p>“No, not like before, Toshi.”</p><p> </p><p>He visibly relaxes at your response and leans in slowly to give you a soft kiss on your forehead. He pauses just a few centimeters in front of your face with heavy-lidded eyes before placing a chaste kiss on your lips. It’s sweet and exactly the one you were hoping to remember during your time apart. So you do just that - you commit his kiss to memory until you see each other again.</p><p> </p><p>When you come back to visit 2 weeks later, you plan to head out that same night. You’re tight on time and just wanted to sneak in a quick visit while you can. The timing works out nicely as Ushijima only has practice in the morning that day and the two of you spend the afternoon together cuddling on the couch watching movies and dining in for dinner.</p><p> </p><p>You watch Ushijima with heavy-lidded eyes as he cleans up the takeout containers and begins to wash the utensils you ate with. You notice how his hair is beginning to tickle his neck and how his shirt hugs his broad shoulders tightly. You glance at the time on your phone and sigh, knowing it’s time to leave but not quite wanting to. Ushijima will be driving you back to the station once he finishes up.</p><p> </p><p>He dries his hands quickly before settling back on the couch in front of you, resting a hand on your thigh. You feel his hands moisten your pants from his rushed attempt to dry his hands. You ignore the damp feeling and find your mind crawling towards the warmth of his hand. You blink slowly at him, your chin nestled in your palm and your elbow propped on your leg.</p><p> </p><p>“We should go,” he says quietly, squeezing your thigh lightly.</p><p> </p><p>You sigh and crawl towards him, hands on either side of his hips. “2 minute cuddle?”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima glances at his phone quickly to check the time and then slowly nods, shifting himself backwards to lean back against the armrest. You crawl closer to him, settling yourself in between his legs and leaning forwards against his chest. He wraps his arms around you naturally and you close your eyes to take in his warmth.</p><p> </p><p>You feel him nuzzle his nose into your hair and breathe deeply. You rub your cheek against his chest in response, getting yourself settled even though the two of you should be untangling in a very fast 2 minutes.</p><p> </p><p>Your thoughts wander to the dingy smell of the bus you have to take and the loud rumble of the train you have to sleep through tonight. You think of the comfort of Ushijima’s chest and muster the confidence to suggest a change in plans. Ushijima’s never been one to be impulsive. He always needs to make a plan and stick to it.</p><p> </p><p>“Can I sleep here tonight?” you ask quietly. You know Ushijima is frowning even though you can’t see it.</p><p> </p><p>“I have practice tomorrow morning.”</p><p> </p><p>You let out a shallow sigh and prop yourself up to look at him. You have work tomorrow too and you’ll be heading out even earlier than he is for practice. You’re the one who has to travel back to Miyagi.</p><p> </p><p>You match his frown, subconsciously biting your lip. “Okay…” you say slowly. “I’ll go home then,” your voice trails, your eyes drifting away from those mesmerizing orbs of olive.</p><p> </p><p>You push yourself up from the couch to sit up and are surprised to feel Ushijima’s arms tighten, bringing you back against his chest. He buries his face in the crown of your head again and his voice rumbles so deeply in your scalp that it gives you goosebumps.</p><p> </p><p>“No. Stay.”</p><p> </p><p>The grip you have on the couch loosens and you let the heat from his body envelop you.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>Once you return from your project, everything returns to normal. The next few months go by the same way; you take on some work here and there and Ushijima practices day and night.</p><p> </p><p>You decide to apply to colleges again, having built a stronger portfolio for yourself. You feel more confident with your work this time around. You even send one to UCLA, the ones your mentors told you about telling yourself it really doesn’t hurt to try. Besides, the nagging feeling of never knowing if you could actually make it would bother you forever.</p><p> </p><p>After sending the applications off, you keep yourself busy to prevent yourself from obsessively checking. You aren’t going to find out the results for another couple of months anyways.</p><p> </p><p>One night at the studio, you’re surprised to receive a call from Ushijima because you know he should currently be playing in a match right now. You pick up tentatively and stiffen when you realize it isn’t his voice on the other line. Your blood runs cold when the voice tells you the location of a hospital and tells you to come immediately.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima had a freak accident; after a powerful spike, he landed awkwardly and his knee jutted out in a way that wasn’t normal. You don’t hear anything they say afterwards. Your head rings deafeningly and you vaguely recall reaching for the car keys with shaking cold hands.</p><p> </p><p>During your drive, the horrible words repeat endlessly in your head, <em>“Ushijima is hurt</em>. <em>Ushijima is hurt. Ushijima is hurt.</em>” You remember the long pause after you ask if he’s okay, only to be met with the soft urging for you to come immediately.</p><p> </p><p>You burst through the hospital doors, desperately searching for that familiar head of olive hair. You practically shove everyone past you and your breath hitches when you see him. You almost trip running towards him and the people who accompanied him kindly step away to give you space. You feel your feet frozen in place a few steps from his stretcher and your stomach drops when you tear your eyes away from his resting face to his knee.</p><p> </p><p>It’s wrapped up with so many dressings, you can barely see any skin. You aren’t an expert in sport injury, but you could see that something was very wrong. The gruesome appearance of his leg makes you shudder and you swallow thickly before turning to look at Ushijima. His eyes are closed but his face is twisted, obviously in pain.</p><p> </p><p>You grip his hand tightly and brush his hair away from his face, causing him to rouse. You ignore the way his sweat clings to your hand and how he immediately tries to soften his face when he realizes it’s you. You know he’s trying his best to hide his pain from you but you know it’s there. Your throat tightens at his poor attempt and he squeezes your hand softly as a way to communicate something to you.</p><p> </p><p>His face is hard, sweat dripping down his temple and his eyes looking past yours. An ice cube slides painfully slowly down your back looking at him and you can’t help but notice that a light has burnt out in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>You haven’t been able to manage a single word since finding him and you hold your breath when he opens his mouth slowly to speak.</p><p> </p><p>“Youko,” he says so defeatedly it makes your heart wretch.</p><p> </p><p>“Toshi,” you gasp through wet tears. When did you start crying?</p><p> </p><p>You press your forehead against his and squeeze your eyes shut. You’re supposed to be strong for him but you realize you can’t stand to see him like this. You’ve never seen him like this before and you don’t know what to do. His hot breath ghosts your face and you try your best to control your shuddering breaths.</p><p> </p><p>You know exactly what he’s going to say, the truth that you knew once you saw him but didn’t want to admit out loud. You keep telling yourself, <em>this isn’t happening, it’s not real</em>.</p><p> </p><p>But it is. The horrifying reality that this is real makes your blood run cold and you clench your jaw so tightly it hurts. This isn’t according to plan. This isn’t supposed to happen.</p><p> </p><p>“I won’t be playing in the Olympics anymore,” Ushijma whispers so quietly that only you can hear.</p><p> </p><p>It hurts you so much to hear his voice waver. The man you’ve known to be the most unrelenting force of nature has been reduced to a shell of who he once was. Ushijima’s dreams have been crushed in a mere fraction of a second and there was nothing you could muster to comfort him.</p><p> </p><p>New Year’s fortunes are always right.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oof I’m so sorry Ushi T_T Ushijima getting injured was my main idea for this fic when I had first planned it. The fic was supposed to start after high school but I thought it would mean more with more context in terms of how they met and fell in love. Warning: it just gets more sad tbh</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. what it's like without you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this chapter is all angst sorry not sorry</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Being a professional athlete has its perks. Ushijima was able to get surgery to repair his ruptured ACL, MCL and avulsed fracture within the week. The few days he stayed at the hospital, while it wasn’t required but was requested by you, gave you enough time to prepare your apartment. You wanted to make it more accessible for him.</p><p> </p><p>As you reassemble your home to ensure Ushijima will be able to get whatever he needs in one central location, you video call Iwaizumi. He answers before you get a chance to rethink your actions and the speed of his reply surprises you since he claims to be such a busy guy.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” he greets.</p><p> </p><p>You find yourself staring, mildly confused before managing a, “Hey,” in return. Not quite looking at him per se, but just needing a moment to realize he’s picked up already.</p><p> </p><p>It takes everything in you to stabilize your shaking hands so that you can prop your phone against some brown banana on the kitchen counter. Ushijima’s the only one who eats bananas, so they’ve been abandoned and thoroughly aging.</p><p> </p><p>When you position it correctly, you finally look at the screen more carefully and realize your impulsiveness caused you to forget being considerate of the time. You have to squint at the dark projection of Iwaizumi illuminated by a dim bedside lamp.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, I forgot to check. What time is it there?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s 1 a.m,” he replies offhandedly.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine, you didn’t wake me or anything.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh…” you say slowly, your mind having trouble interpreting his words. You haven’t been able to sleep well lately in that stiff chair next to Ushijima’s hospital bed. “Sorry,” you say again.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>You find yourself entranced by Iwaizumi’s glossy orbs and forget the task at hand. If he’s bothered by your staring, he doesn’t say anything.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh right, I-I need to…” you mumble quickly while turning on your heels. You evaluate the state of the living room and realize it requires a lot of cleaning before actual rearranging. “I need to clean,” you state more to yourself than to inform Iwaizumi.</p><p> </p><p>Before he has a chance to reply, you bend over to pick up some wrappers on the ground and gather the abandoned snacks on the coffee table. You sigh when you spot a collection of crumbs on the sofa, knowing Ushijima wouldn’t be happy with your mess.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you okay, Youko?” Iwaizumi tries weakly. His little voice isn’t loud enough to penetrate your jumbled thoughts, so he tries again a bit louder.</p><p> </p><p>“Huh?” you ask, glancing over your shoulder quickly only to continue cleaning.</p><p> </p><p>“I asked if you’re okay Youko,” Iwaizumi says more loudly and firmly this time.</p><p> </p><p>You frown slightly but the question doesn’t stop your methodical movements. “I’m fine,” you say quickly.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a pause, like Iwaizumi is intently evaluating you from the other side of that little screen. You know what he’s doing but you tell yourself to ignore his calculating gaze.</p><p> </p><p>“No, really Youko. Are you really okay?”</p><p> </p><p>You sigh sharply, his innocent words suddenly striking a nerve. “What do you think, Hajime?” you snap.</p><p> </p><p>You know it’s not his fault for what’s happened, but you’ve been holding back all your real, angry feelings when you were with Ushijima. You feel your heart beat a bit harder, your blood becoming a bit warmer. You’ve never been good at suppressing your emotions and it’s the first time you’re letting your frustration surface. You know you’ll regret this but it’s easier to be angry with a person than at some unlucky, shitty circumstance.</p><p> </p><p>The silence makes you scrub the table harder and throw things more aggressively into the trash. When Iwaizumi speaks again, his voice is small, careful and unable to mask his concern. You feel bad, but at the same time you don’t really. It’s hard to explain.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m worried, Youko. You just turned down some good opportunities to take care of Ushijima,” he says softly. “It’s a ruptured ACL and fracture. He’ll need assistance, but you won’t have to be home all the time.”</p><p> </p><p>You scoff and the coldness of it makes Iwaizumi shudder. “Are you saying I shouldn’t take care of him?” your voice rising. “I should be with him. He needs me.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi sighs tiredly and it infuriates you even more. “I understand that. I just don’t think you should drop everything for him right now. You need to continue building your portfolio if you want to find real work or get into a good college.”</p><p> </p><p>“You think I don’t know that?” you snarl.</p><p> </p><p>“Youko, calm down. I’m just… I’m just worried, okay? Would it kill you to let me worry about you?”</p><p> </p><p>You drop everything you’re holding and storm to your phone and those cursed bananas. You snatch your phone and then scowl at the bananas before tossing them into the trash. You were being optimistic when you thought you’d maybe eat them.</p><p> </p><p>You glare at Iwaizumi through the screen, making sure to exaggerate your features so that he can’t deny seeing your anger. “You can’t be dictating my life when you’re halfway across the world, Hajime. You can’t say shit like that when you’re not <em>here.”</em></p><p> </p><p>Your hands shake gripping the phone so tightly and the boiling anger in you makes your eyes fill with tears. You hate that you always cry when you’re angry.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you want me to say, Youko?” Iwaizumi growls. It’s the first time he’s <em>really</em> raised his voice at you and the sharpness he adds startles you. “You’re being selfish if you think you can keep stringing me along forever. You can’t expect me to stay in Japan to be with you, but not <em>be</em> with you. I’m trying my best over here.”</p><p> </p><p>The air around you thickens, and the reality of the situation hits you like a truck. You feel your legs giving away from under you and a solitary tear trickles down your face. The impact of the ground against your knees ignites a sharp pain but the feeling goes over your head. You heave, trying to take in any air you can, and the tears begin to stream down your face faster and faster. When did it start being so hard to breathe?</p><p> </p><p>Your vision blurs and you can no longer see Iwaizumi. The sharpness in his eyes is embedded in your mind and you start to wonder when his face became so cold looking at you.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi’s been distant since he left. After a few short months, he stopped calling every day, stopped telling you what he made for dinner and stopped telling you about the new friends he made, reassuring you he wasn’t lonely.</p><p> </p><p>But he was, and he hid it from the person he loved the most. The person he <em>still </em>loves the most.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, Youko…” his voice trails. “I’m stressed from school and work. I-I didn’t mean that.”</p><p> </p><p>You stare blankly just off of the screen, not having it in you to look at the person you one day stopped putting first. The person you stopped making a priority for. The person you realize you understood so little about because he hid so much from you.</p><p> </p><p>You reply with silence. You don’t see the way Iwaizumi’s lips quiver realizing what he’s done. You don’t see the way he visibly regrets spilling the words he never meant to share with you. He’s hurting yet again, and you refuse to let yourself see it.</p><p> </p><p>“We can talk when we’ve both calmed down,” he mutters. “Bye Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>When you hear the little sound signaling the end of your call, you let your phone slip from your fingers with a loud clatter. You slump even further, grasping your legs tightly against your chest and bury your face into your knees. You shudder, unable to hold back the onset of sobs that overcome you.</p><p> </p><p>What kind of person hurts their best friend this much? What kind of person expects their best friend to be there for them when they so desperately wanted to, but couldn’t? You realize this whole time, that person has been you and you hate yourself so much for it.</p><p> </p><p>You’re pathetic. That’s what you are.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>When Ushijima returns back home, you don’t mention your fight with Iwaizumi. Neither of you have made an effort to reconcile and you’d be lying if it didn’t make you uneasy. It was unfair for you to make amends and ask for forgiveness. You didn’t deserve it.</p><p> </p><p>Hiding your fight is added to the list of things you’ve decided not to tell Ushijima. You figure he doesn’t need another thing on his plate, and you know you have to be strong for him during this critical time.</p><p> </p><p>You spent so much time reading books and articles to learn more about helping the physical components of the recovery process, that you haven’t had a chance to think about how to help him emotionally. His dreams have been crushed and there isn’t possibly a book out there to give you the right words to say.</p><p> </p><p>The few days Ushijima spends at the hospital before his surgery gives you enough time for cleaning and furniture rearrangement, but it isn’t enough for you to learn how to cook. Even though Ushijima isn’t great at it, he’s still better than you at cooking. Your meals always consisted of either him cooking or you grabbing takeout. With training came a strict diet and so he liked being able to manage it himself.</p><p> </p><p>You know that for the next while, he won’t be going through vigorous training like before, but you know he’d still want to have a clean diet. You want to maintain as many components of his pre-injury lifestyle as possible. You read somewhere that it would be helpful for someone who experienced a life-altering event.</p><p> </p><p>You also know that it would help Ushijima function a bit better. Ushijima relishes in a strict routine and the reliability of a schedule helped him tick. However, you’re sure maintaining a diet won’t be enough.</p><p> </p><p>The first 2 weeks are harsh on the both of you. Ushijima is infuriatingly stubborn and he still insisted on doing things independently. He’d leave his throne of pillows just to get a few ice cubes for his water and push you out the bathroom when he wanted to wash himself. It was frustrating to watch him struggle and it broke your heart to see him try so hard to keep his anger to himself.</p><p> </p><p>You knew from the way he gripped the walls with white fists or the way he’d sharply exhale when he sat back down that he was frustrated with himself for being unable to complete the most trivial tasks.</p><p> </p><p><em>This isn’t fair. This shouldn’t have happened to him</em>.</p><p> </p><p>You would keep telling yourself that, but it didn’t bring any relief admitting it over and over. In the time Ushijima spends locking himself in the bathroom, you wonder if he’s also in denial, if he’s also furious at the universe for doing this to him. You wish he’d let his anger out in front of you. It would be better than the cold, indifferent mask he puts on.</p><p> </p><p>When Ushijima finally relents in accepting assistance, it starts off small. He lets you grab those ice cubes and he lets you wipe his body down with a wet washcloth.</p><p> </p><p>On the unlucky days when his painkillers don’t quite settle in, he finally asks you to help him up. It’s only then that you realize you physically couldn’t maintain his weight draped over your thin body for very long. He’s almost a whole foot taller than. That doesn’t quite make it easy for you to shoulder his weight.</p><p> </p><p>You tried your best to not overstep his boundaries and watched a lot of cooking tutorials to cook him better meals. His nose would scrunch marginally when you made an especially bad meal, but he never complained. In fact, he didn’t speak at all aside from the occasional yes, no and other one-word replies.</p><p> </p><p>You wish he’d just unleash his pent-up anger if it meant bringing back the Ushijima you knew and fell in love with. The more he tried to act strong in front of you, the more you realized he was slowly falling apart.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima lost the sparkle in his eyes and you don’t know how you could bring it back. How do you bring the life back into someone whose dreams were shattered in a mere second? Of course he could always do his rehab and, try again for the next Olympics, but it wouldn’t be the same. He wouldn’t be the same.</p><p> </p><p>Would he recover the same power in his jump? Would he build up the same unwavering confidence that defined his character? You’ve read enough anecdotes of world-class athletes with career-ending injuries. Has Ushijima been robbed of his dream career before he even reached his peak?</p><p> </p><p>Ever since Ushijima settled back home, you’d take it upon yourself to sleep on the couch. You were afraid that you might kick his leg in your sleep and he never said anything about the sleeping arrangement. It isn’t until you make it past 2 weeks that something changes.</p><p> </p><p>You help Ushijima get settled in bed with his leg propped up and turn off the lights to let him sleep. You swiftly sneak into the adjoined bathroom and take the kind of hot shower that clears your sinuses and makes your back dry and itchy afterwards.</p><p> </p><p>You wipe the condensation off the mirror and take in the hollow-faced woman looking back. It’s the first time you’ve really looked at yourself in a while and you realize you don’t recognize yourself either.</p><p> </p><p>When Ushijima lost that spark in his eye, you lost something too.</p><p> </p><p>You sigh before flicking the lights off and make sure to open the door slowly. Ushijima’s a light sleeper and you don’t want to ruin his rest with a creak of the door. You glance at Ushijima’s dark form and find yourself staring longer than you intended. He feels so distant even though he’s only a few feet away.</p><p> </p><p>You tear your eyes away and pad over to the bedroom door, returning to your new makeshift bed in front of the T.V. When you manage to get a hand on the cool doorknob, Ushijima’s voice startles you.</p><p> </p><p>“Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>You turn slowly, trying to make out Ushijima’s face in the dark. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?” you ask apologetically.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” he states plainly. It doesn’t reassure you.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you need something, Toshi? Do you still have water?”</p><p> </p><p>“I need you, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>Your breath hitches and you find yourself frozen to the ground. It’s the most he’s managed to say to you since the accident and you find yourself wondering if your mind’s conjured up hopeful thoughts again.</p><p> </p><p>“You need water?” you clarify.</p><p> </p><p>“I need you, Youko,” he repeats firmly. It occurs to you that you weren’t imagining it the first time and the realization brings a whirlwind of emotions: shock, relief, happiness. “Stay,” he states.</p><p> </p><p>You haven’t moved from your spot by the door but your grip on the doorknob loosens. “I can stay till you fall asleep if you’d like,” you offer softly.</p><p> </p><p>“No. Sleep here, Youko. Please?”</p><p> </p><p>You stand in the dark, bringing a hand over your eyes and sniffle quietly. Ushijima’s always been direct with his words but this time, his forwardness is laced with warmth.</p><p> </p><p>The certainty in his request reminds you of the way he said <em>“I love you”</em> before parting ways at the train station, the way he told you that you inspire him, the way he agreed to be yours.</p><p> </p><p>The desperation in his plea reminds you that even this force of nature can be vulnerable. You’ve never heard his voice so small before.</p><p> </p><p>You ignore the sting in your eyes and the pain in your cheek from biting it so hard. Since when did you start getting used to being apart? Since when did you stop feeling cold lying on the couch by yourself? Since when did you stop longing for his touch?</p><p> </p><p>But that doesn’t matter.</p><p> </p><p>A part of you will always love him no matter what. You were teased with the new normal of being independent, learning things on your own, getting used to your own thoughts. You’ve never cooked so much in your life and read so many articles about sport injuries before.</p><p> </p><p>You were getting used to walking on your own two feet. For a moment, you forgot what it was like to have such a confident figure pulling you along. When Ushijima got injured, you lost some light in your eyes, your faith that the world rewards good things to good people. But his injury also taught you that the pitfalls in life can be overcome.</p><p> </p><p>As your eyes fixate on the hand reaching out to you, you realize that throughout your own personal growth, a part of you will always cradle a part of his heart. Despite everything, he still loves you and you love him. You have each other and that’s what makes everything okay.</p><p> </p><p>A shuddered sigh escapes your lips as you wipe your eyes one more time. “Okay,” you murmur.</p><p> </p><p>You make sure to crawl into bed on the opposite side of his injured leg and like clockwork, you nestle yourself into his arms, resting your cheek on his chest. The warmth he radiates brings a wave of relief and the comfort you experience is indescribable.</p><p> </p><p>This is where you should be.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>Almost a month has passed since Ushijima got hurt and you find yourself in the parking lot of his rehabilitation centre. You usually sit on one of those hard benches that make your butt sore watching Ushijima learn how to walk normally again. It’s such a trivial skill that you realize you took for granted as you watched him drench his shirt and the way the veins in his arm would bulge as he gripped the supporting bars.</p><p> </p><p>Today, you couldn’t watch. You couldn’t watch him struggle so hard to achieve a new normal because it made the insides of your mouth bitter. You hate how nasty you’ve been feeling as of late. How selfish you’ve been feeling. And especially, how guilty you feel for hiding something so critical to you from him.</p><p> </p><p>You’re curled up in the backseat of your car, your phone pressed stiffly against your ear as you impatiently wait for the rings to cease. You’re the one who dialed, but a part of you hopes you’ll be sent to voicemail.</p><p> </p><p>“Hello?”</p><p> </p><p>At the sound of his voice, you feel your walls break. You haven’t heard it in so long that you were beginning to forget how comforting it could sound. You forgot how much relief his voice can bring you with a simple word because all you can remember is Iwaizumi’s aggressive, accusing tone that he last used with you.</p><p> </p><p>You don’t even manage a greeting, an apology, anything, before you burst into tears. Your vision blurs as your throat tightens, your chest heaving desperately for air. You suddenly feel claustrophobic being in such a small car. You need air but you didn’t want anyone to see you like this.</p><p> </p><p>“Youko…” Iwaizumi tries softly.</p><p> </p><p>You bring the back of your hand to cover your eyes, as if it’ll soak up the tears that won’t stop trickling down your temples. “I’m sorry, Hajime,” you choke. “I’m <em>so </em>sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, it’s fine,” Iwaizumi immediately coaxes. “It’s fine, Youko. I’m sorry too.”</p><p> </p><p>His words bring you a sense of relief, but they also make you sob even harder. You hate yourself for what you’ve done to him and it seems unfair that <em>he</em> has to apologize to you. You’re such a pathetic person.</p><p> </p><p>You let yourself wallow. It’s been a month since you last talked to your best friend. It’s been a month since you started living with the shell of the man you love without the support of your best friend. You’d be lying if you said it hasn’t been hard.</p><p> </p><p>You don’t know how long you’ve been crying for, but you know however long it’s been, Iwaizumi’s been hushing reassuring words to you the whole time. “I’m here, Youko, I’m here. Please…<em>please</em> talk to me. Let me help,” he pleads.</p><p> </p><p>You wipe your eyes for hopefully the last time and grip the front of your shirt covering your chest instead. Your shuddering breaths begin to slow, and Iwaizumi waits patiently on the other line, soothing you with his soft hushes. You focus on the sound and loosen the tension in your shoulders, letting them rest against the car seat. Your breaths come and go more rhythmically.</p><p> </p><p>“I got accepted to UCLA,” you sniff.</p><p> </p><p>“W-What…?”</p><p> </p><p>“I have a month to respond and I don’t know if I sh-“</p><p> </p><p>“Wait, Youko. This is amazing. This is amazing news, Youko. Holy shit.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know…” you say quietly. “This was what I wanted. This was my dream.”</p><p> </p><p>You hear Iwaizumi sigh, and it makes you a little tense. “Youko, this <em>is</em> your dream. This <em>is</em> what you want. Don’t talk about it in past tense like it’s no longer true,” he almost scolds.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know… I-I can’t leave him like this. He needs me, Hajime. I can’t be this selfish…” you pause. You remember the mornings when Ushijima would wake up early, simply sitting with his leg slung over the side of the bed. He’d wake up early like before, but he wouldn’t feel like starting his day. Volleyball isn’t there anymore to bring him out of bed. “He doesn’t get to achieve his dream… I feel so…  so guilty… so selfish. I’m so happy I got in… but I’m so heart wrenchingly sad. I wish he could have this. I’d do anything to let him have his dream.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi is silent for so long that you pull your phone away to check if he’s still there. You realize it’s almost 4 p.m. which is when Ushijima’s appointment finishes. You realize that means it’s almost 4 a.m. for Iwaizumi.</p><p> </p><p>“Youko, don’t do this to yourself…” he starts quietly. He sounds so… hurt. Like he’s hurting for you and the thought that he’s feeling this way because of you gnaws at your heart. You don’t deserve him. “He’s strong, Youko. For once, you need to choose yourself.”</p><p> </p><p>You feel a new onset of tears and you hate yourself for being so emotional. They were the words you needed to hear but didn’t want to hear. You hate that you feel this way.</p><p> </p><p>“He’ll be okay, y’know. He can take care of himself.”</p><p> </p><p>“N-not right now he can’t.”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe not now… but he will.”</p><p> </p><p>The idea of Ushijima being okay on his own was something you never imagined. You always imagined the two of you together, you supporting him, helping him achieve whatever his heart desires. You love him so much, the thought never crossed your mind that he should have any less. And you know that right now, you’re what he needs. You’re what he needs to get through this.</p><p> </p><p>“Youko, do you remember that painting you did in high school? With the sunflowers?”</p><p> </p><p>You’re startled by the question. When you really give time to think about it, you remember Iwaizumi’s horrendous post-volleyball practice stench and vaguely, the deep interpretation he made of your work.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I think I do.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well…” you hear him scratch his head, knowing he’s getting a little flustered bringing up something he said long ago. “Ushijima’s your sun. There’s no denying it. I know you love him so much and I know he loves you too. But… he doesn’t have to shine the brightest. He’s the sun… but you are the beloved sunflower. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to achieve your own dreams, you deserve to shine, Youko. Please remember that.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Can’t remember if I mentioned this before, but this fic will be ending in the next chapter!</p><p>Thanks to everyone who has made it this far – kinda crazy that it’s going to take about 6 months for me to finish this story. I hope the relationships have felt authentic to you and that you experienced at least of fraction of the feelings I felt when writing while you were reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. pandora's box</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>(A/N): I am so so sorry for disappearing for a few months! I promised I would finish this, and I did! But surprise… (not sure if this is good or bad news), but this isn’t the last chapter. I finished writing the ACTUAL last chapter and just need to edit it before I officially post it. I planned everything out a long time ago, but I couldn’t settle on an ending I REALLY liked and I just kept on adding to the end so it then became 2 chapters. Good news is that it will be coming out later this week :)</p><p>I’m grateful for all the comments you posted and the ones that told me to come back and finish the story haha. They made me chuckle, but also gave me an extra push to finish. I hope you enjoy the chapter! It gets a little heavy…</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You quickly tuck your phone under your pillow, the weight of it feeling exponentially heavier than other days. Your eyes trail to Ushijima’s sleeping face and you find yourself entranced by his relaxed features. His snoring is disruptive, but you’ve learned to get used to it.</p><p> </p><p>You lightly rub the space between his eyebrows, coaxing the constantly active muscles to relax. Only in his sleep does he seem truly at peace since a couple of months ago. It’s rare you get a chance to wake up before he does to see it.</p><p> </p><p>Your fingers trail to his hair, scratching his scalp lightly. He stirs at the sensation but doesn’t quite wake. Your bottom lip is chewed raw from the accumulating guilt and anxiety. You’ve been finding it harder and harder to sleep through the night leading up until today. You figure you can spare Ushijima a few more minutes until he wakes, granting him some peace before he has to face reality again.</p><p> </p><p>His chest rises and falls steadily, and his congested breathing makes the bed rumble. You realize that one day, you’ll miss the sound that once made you want to pull your hair out.</p><p> </p><p>You continue to card your fingers through his hair, committing the sensation of his thick hair running through your fingers to memory and how his olive hair shines softly under the morning sun.</p><p> </p><p><em>He looks beautiful,</em> you think to yourself. You trace his cheek with your thumb and slowly drag it to his lips. He rouses slowly with your touch and you hold your breath as you slowly withdraw your hand.</p><p> </p><p>It feels wrong to touch him like this. Not after what you just did. Not after what you’ve been doing.</p><p> </p><p>You love him. You really do. But without realizing, you started to love yourself too. You learned how to put yourself first and it felt so foreign, so <em>wrong</em>.</p><p> </p><p>But it felt right too. In a way, you feel like now was the most direction you’ve had in your life.</p><p> </p><p>With heavy lids, Ushijima blinks slowly and turns his head to face you completely. He grasps your hand lightly in his and kisses your knuckles. It’s the first time he’s done that in a while, and your stomach sinks when you don’t feel that tell-tale flutter in your heart from that loving action.</p><p> </p><p>“Good morning, Youko,” he mutters.</p><p> </p><p>You give him a weak smile, guilt eating at you again. What’s wrong with you? Why is your body acting this way?</p><p> </p><p>You swallow the lump in your throat and squeeze his fingers lightly. You find comfort in the fact that Ushijima’s gaze is warm, unwavering and full of affection.</p><p> </p><p>You can get through this, you tell yourself. The two of you can get through this together.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to be attending UCLA this September.”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima’s eyes marginally narrow, his gaze rapidly darting across your face. He’s becoming fully conscious now and pulls your hand towards his chest. You bite your bottom lip even though it hurts to do so again.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you mean?” he asks slowly.</p><p> </p><p>“I…” your voice trailing. “I got an offer in April and… I-I accepted it today,” you say quietly. “Today was the last day.”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima takes a slow breath, processing your words before answering. “Youko… that’s the school you wanted, right?”</p><p> </p><p>You nod slowly. “It is,” you say with a weak chuckle.</p><p> </p><p>When Ushijima says your name again, it rolls off his lips like butter. You’ve always liked the sound of your name slipping out of his lips.</p><p> </p><p>His eyes are bright, and he squeezes your hand so tightly, you hand crumbles in his. He’s happy, you realize.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so proud of you, Youko,” he says earnestly as he kisses your knuckles again.</p><p> </p><p>However, the joyous moment is short-lived. His smile falls quickly in realization and he releases the tight grip on your hand, “But… why didn’t you tell me earlier?”</p><p> </p><p>“I… I didn’t think it was a good time.”</p><p> </p><p>“Why would it not be a good time?” he asks sternly.</p><p> </p><p>“You were hurt… I didn’t want to… overwhelm you,” you say shamefully.</p><p> </p><p>His eyes narrow and the wrinkle you were trying to rub out between his eyebrows resurfaces.</p><p> </p><p>“Why would that overwhelm me?”</p><p> </p><p>“You had a lot to think about, Toshi.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t understand why that’s relevant.”</p><p> </p><p>You sigh sharply, your face warming with frustration. “Wakatoshi, you suffered a serious injury and it won’t be another several months until you can even think about stepping on a court again. How was I supposed to drop the news that I want to fly halfway across the world before I even get to see that happen?”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima’s face is hard as he places your hand against the mattress. He retracts his hand back and pulls the blanket to cover more of himself. For such a large man, he suddenly looks so small.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” you mutter.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima’s eyes fall from your face and his gaze is fixed on your neck, your shoulder, you’re not really sure.</p><p> </p><p>You thought you got used to his silence. It’s painfully deafening now. It hurts to look at him. You realize it must hurt even more for him to look at you.</p><p> </p><p>“This involves me too,” he says quietly. “You’re leaving me.”</p><p> </p><p>Your heart breaks hearing him admit something you never wanted to say out loud. You knew this. You knew you were leaving him, but it wasn’t permanently. A four-year program would go by quickly. It wasn’t forever.</p><p> </p><p>“I know… and I’m sorry,” you whisper. You unconsciously begin to grip the bed sheets so hard your knuckles begin to turn white. “We should’ve talked about it,” you admit. “I just- this is what I want. I want to be recognized. I want my art to be appreciated. I think UCLA is where I’m supposed to be. Where I’ll grow the most.”</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima remains silent and you feel your stomach drop. Is this the right choice?</p><p> </p><p>When you look at him, he doesn’t seem like the same person he was just a few months ago. He looks different from the man who had a dream – the man who wanted to be Japan’s ace at the Olympics.</p><p> </p><p>Now his story is filled with <em>Maybe</em>s and <em>What could’ve been’s</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re going to be halfway across the world?” he asks in a small voice.</p><p> </p><p>Your breath hitches at how innocent he sounds, and it breaks your heart. “Yeah,” you confirm softly. You release the tight hold you have on the sheets and tentatively reach out to rest it on his heart. Maybe if you cradled it carefully enough, his heart wouldn’t have to break. He doesn’t deserve anymore pain.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll be where Hajime is,” you add, assuring him you won’t be alone.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima grasps your hand with both of his, his eyes finally reaching yours. Instead of the warmth you saw earlier, his gaze is hollow, lacking that sparkle, determination, and confidence you fell in love with.</p><p> </p><p>“What about us, Youko?”</p><p> </p><p>Your vision blurs as tears fill your eyes. You search his eyes desperately as if it’ll give you an answer.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>You zip up your suitcase and take one last look at the place you called home the past year. It hasn’t quite hit you that you’re leaving for good.</p><p> </p><p>You sigh. <em>Not for good… just for… 4 years. It’ll go by quickly</em>, you tell yourself.</p><p> </p><p>You sling your backpack over your shoulder and roll your luggage out of the bedroom towards the front door. The sound of the wheels rolling across the hardwood floor bounces against the walls, disrupting the perpetual silence the space has adapted to.</p><p> </p><p>After dropping the news on Ushijima, he was as quiet as ever. He would never start up a conversation, uncomfortably comfortable with the congested air that became stuffier and stuffier. He’d only listen as you rambled about your plans, discussed where you’d live, showed him pictures of your school and told him about all the professors you were going to meet.</p><p> </p><p>The silence was deafening. It made you feel like you were slowly drowning, the surface of the water just out of reach. Why did choosing yourself have to hurt so much? Why did choosing yourself mean not being with Ushijima?</p><p> </p><p>Months went by with you babbling on and on as if words would heal the pain from the situation. Once you booked your flight, you could hear a clock ticking excruciatingly loud in your head. The days with Ushijima were finite and you wish time could just stop.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima stands up awkwardly from the couch, uncomfortably stiff from not being able to help you with your things. He’s made a lot of improvements with his rehabilitation, but it’s still too soon to be putting extra load on leg with your baggage. He already has too much emotional baggage to carry on his own now.</p><p> </p><p>“I should go with you to the airport,” he mutters. His eyes dart around the room in search of the car keys.</p><p> </p><p>“No, it’s okay. I already called an Uber, and I don’t want you driving when you don’t need to.”</p><p> </p><p>He stops his search, his gaze dropping to your feet. You watch him desperately, wanting him to look at you one more time. You don’t remember the last time he looked at you in the eyes since that fateful morning lifetimes ago.</p><p> </p><p>“Will you call me when you land?”</p><p> </p><p>“It’ll be late, Toshi.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t care,” he says sternly. He used that tone where you know you can’t say no to.</p><p> </p><p>You sigh. “Okay, I’ll call you when I arrive,” you relent.</p><p> </p><p>“And you’ve confirmed that Iwaizumi will be picking you up?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” you assent.</p><p> </p><p>Your eyes begin to water taking in Ushijima’s features. This is a shell of the man you fell in love with. He’s paler, thinner, stiffer. His facial hair is unkempt, and his unrelenting confidence lost.</p><p> </p><p>The Ushijima in front of you isn’t the one you always picture in your head, but you know you still love him anyways. Even if he’s half the person he was, it’s still <em>him</em>.</p><p> </p><p>It’s still Ushijima Wakatoshi.</p><p> </p><p>He’s the one who watched you paint in that crummy basement studio, the one who’d smile up at you in the stands after a great play, the one who kissed you sweetly in front of all of his fans. He’s still the one that learned how to love because of you and loved you the best and only way he knew how.</p><p> </p><p>You tell yourself not to cry. You weren’t saying goodbye for good. Why did it feel like it?</p><p> </p><p>You stumble towards him into his embrace. He’s stiff against you initially, similar to the first time you wrapped your arms around him back in high school. He’s completely taken back by your sudden affections, but slowly, he cradles your head against his chest. His other hand is placed on the small of your back pulling you closer. You breathe in his scent and clutch his shirt tighter.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you, Wakatoshi. So much,” you mumble against his chest. “I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m <em>so</em> sorry. We should be together,” you choke. “We should be together.”</p><p> </p><p>He nuzzles into the crown of your head and speaks the most words he has in the last month. “Don’t be sorry. You should chase your dream. I’ll be waiting here for you.”</p><p> </p><p>You can’t help but think about how foreign those words sound coming out of his mouth. Ever since you met Ushijima, you’ve never been the one ahead. You were always the one chasing him, hidden by his shadow. Pulled along by that strong grasp of his, stumbling to keep up.</p><p> </p><p>You look up at him and your breath catches in your throat when he looks back at you. These are the eyes that you remember, the ones that sparkle when his mind is set on his dream. Somewhere along the line, you became his dream. All he wants is for you to be happy.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima’s eyes flutter close as he leans down to press a kiss on your lips. Your tears are trickling down your cheeks now, but neither of you seem to care. It’s just the two of you in this moment together.</p><p> </p><p>He pulls away first and presses his forehead against yours.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you, Youko. Always.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>After a month in a new country, you were finally beginning to get used to your new schedule. The hours spent painting were relatively the same, but you spent many more hours on Duolingo trying to be more comfortable speaking English.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi told you it’s best to just make friends and practise by talking casually with them. He doesn’t seem to realize that making friends was the bigger issue at hand. You were never good at small talk and it doesn’t help that you can’t communicate as well as you’d like even in your mother tongue. In the end, he brought you along to meet his friends and eventually, they became yours too.</p><p> </p><p>You’re grateful for Iwaizumi’s presence and he helps orient you into the new environment. He recommends affordable grocery stores and teaches you how to take transit. Even though the two of you spent a rocky 2 years apart, your relationship fell back into place like no time had ever passed.</p><p> </p><p>Despite his busy schedule, Iwaizumi drops by your place almost every day. He claims he’s just checking in to see if you’re settling in okay and if you’ve remembered to eat. His visits become longer and longer once your evening calls with Ushijima fall off more and more often.</p><p> </p><p>Despite assuring your love for each other upon your goodbyes, distance was no joke. Without a practice regime, Ushijima had a lot of time to send you short texts,<em> “Have you eaten?” “Did you sleep well?” “How are you?”</em>  Sometimes you are busy for hours on end and are flooded with multiple texts by the time you get around to checking your phone.</p><p> </p><p>You’ve spent periods of time apart before, but the two of you were never any good at texting. It felt detached, bland, unfamiliar. You were used to observing Ushijima’s facial features, the furrow in his brows and the position of his hands giving you a better indication of his thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes you’re left with a screen full of texts after a night’s rest, Ushijima forgetting the difference in time zones. You’d chuckle every time knowing the insensitivity of double-texting would never cross his mind.</p><p> </p><p>After skipping a few nights, the two of you finally get a chance to call one evening.</p><p> </p><p>“You seem happy, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>You can tell he’s earnest, and truly happy for you by the way his eyes soften, his face visibly relaxing. For some reason, it hurts to hear him say it. He’s right, but it saddens you that even he can see how much happier you are here.</p><p> </p><p>“I am,” you say quietly, almost guiltily.</p><p> </p><p>You’re not sure if you really wanted him to notice the tone in your voice, but in the end, he doesn’t.</p><p> </p><p>You become busier and busier, spending less time on your phone and less time thinking about Ushijima. By the number of times he asks to call, you can tell he’s missing you more and more. He texts less knowing you’re busy, and you let yourself wonder what he’s up to.</p><p> </p><p>Ushijima rarely shares about himself, spending your limited time asking about you. All he tells you is that he’s been rehabbing, seeing a therapist a teammate recommended and briefly mentions volleyball training.</p><p> </p><p>You finally connect the dots that he’s become more attentive after finding professional help to truly open up. You’re glad he’s getting better, and you wish you could’ve been there to be a part of it.</p><p> </p><p>Were the thousands of miles apart the reason why you feel so far away from him? It would be the only logical answer, you tell yourself. The pit in your stomach tells you otherwise.</p><p> </p><p>When your fingers stop and expand at a photo of your boyfriend on Instagram, you start to wonder why you’re learning more about his whereabouts from a photo posted by the Schweiden Adler’s Instagram page instead of asking him yourself.</p><p> </p><p>It doesn’t hit you until now how foreign this feeling is and now you’re sobbing over a stupid post-practice picture of sweaty men. Somewhere along the way, the love of your life started becoming a stranger and you wish you realized it sooner.</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>It isn’t until your first semester finishes that Oikawa pays you a visit. You’re told by Iwaizumi that he visits pretty regularly since he’s just a few hours south from where the two of you are now. A part of you is jealous that your childhood friends kept in touch. It had been 2 years since you saw Iwaizumi and now almost 2 and a half years since you’ve seen Oikawa.</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi’s thumbs are kept busy as he attempts to send off emails on his phone. He’s actually quite busy today, but made time in his schedule to be there for when Oikawa lands. You pace back and forth, the jitters of reuniting getting to you.</p><p> </p><p>You chew at your bottom lip guiltily wishing you tried a bit harder to stay in touch with Oikawa. Though you admit that even though he’s one of your best friends, your friendship never involved sentimental feelings where one of you would check in with the other. It was weird like that.</p><p> </p><p>Your jitters are quickly dismissed when you catch the brunette’s windswept locks, just covering an obnoxious pair of sunglasses. Oikawa still walks in that cocky and way-too-confident way and you heave a sigh, wondering why you were even nervous in the first place.</p><p> </p><p>When he approaches the two of you, he walks right past you, greeting Iwaizumi with his usual, “Iwa-chan!” He even adds, “It’s been too long! Feels like forever since I last saw my <em>one and only</em> best friend.”</p><p> </p><p>Your jaw drops and you punch his bicep with all of your strength. The impact hurts more than you expect, Oikawa having built up some muscle over the year in addition to his sun kissed skin. He’s still as annoying as you remember.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s been <em>a long time</em> since you’ve seen <em>Iwa-chan?!”</em> you scoff. “Maybe I need to punch you in the head for forgetting about me!”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa’s sunglasses have fumbled awkwardly down his nose and he looks at you completely appalled by your actions.</p><p> </p><p>“Youko! You’re aggressive as ever! Take a <em>joke</em>, will you? <em>God!</em>”</p><p> </p><p>“Shut up! That’s not even funny!”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah it is! C’mon Iwa-chan, tell her it was at least a little funny.”</p><p> </p><p>Iwaizumi sighs heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose. “How are you guys fighting already?” he mumbles under his breath. “C’mon, I have to head to work in a bit so let’s go back to campus already.”</p><p> </p><p>He quickly snatches Oikawa’s bag from his hands and turns to leave, queueing the two of you to catch up to him.</p><p> </p><p>“Look, now you got him all grumpy already,” Oikawa sneers.</p><p> </p><p>“You started it,” you rebut.</p><p> </p><p>The two of you walk meekly behind Iwaizumi, like two kids who just got scolded by their parent. Iwaizumi is too stressed to deal with your nonsense.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa is first to break the silence, nudging you playfully with his elbow.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh c’mon. You have to admit it was a little funny. I even thought about bumping into your shoulder like a dick, but I thought that would’ve been too mean.”</p><p> </p><p>You punch Oikawa again but make sure to hold back on the force. You don’t want your knuckles to bruise from some silly punching. Oikawa hisses at the impact and dramatically rubs his arm again.</p><p> </p><p>You keep your eyes fixed on the ground in front of you, not wanting to see Oikawa’s reaction. “I missed you, y’know,” you mumble.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa’s lips curve into that charming smile of his, a charismatic smile perfected over the years from wooing women and basking in the glory of being a rising star in Argentina. He swings his arm over your shoulder and against your efforts, he pulls you closer until you’re forced to lean into him as the two of you follow Iwaizumi.</p><p> </p><p>“I missed you too, Youko.”</p><p> </p><p>--</p><p> </p><p>“You’re really heavy for such a small person, y’know that Youko?”</p><p> </p><p>“I could choke you right now, y’know that Tooru?”</p><p> </p><p>You had your arms wrapped around his neck, your legs dangling outside his calves as he piggybacked you along the shoreline. You stepped on a particularly sharp seashell and cut your foot with no band-aid at the ready. The handy Iwaizumi who always has a variation of a first-aid kit on him, already left for work, leaving you two useless idiots alone to run wild. Unfortunately, it got a little too wild.</p><p> </p><p>“Or I could just drop you on your butt and leave you to crawl back home, how about that?”</p><p> </p><p>“You can’t drop me if I hang on and strangle you,” you tease.</p><p> </p><p>“I bet you cut your foot on purpose so you could tell all your friends <em>the</em> Oikawa Tooru romantically carried you along the beach shore,” Oikawa retorts smugly. His annoying confidence has not faded even a little. It debatably worsened.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay first, <em>ew.</em> And second,<em> ew.</em>”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa chuckles and you’d be lying if you claimed it wasn’t comforting, nostalgic, and all sorts of other things. It’s been so long since you’ve spent time together and you’re glad your relationship hasn’t changed.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a comforting silence between the two of you as you watch the shoreline brush against Oikawa’s ankles, his toes occasionally covered by the sea water and displaced sand.</p><p> </p><p>“If I’m actually too heavy, I could just limp around, Tooru,” you murmur.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa pauses to hop on the spot, jostling you to sit higher on his hips. “Nah, I’m not that mean,” he states lightly. “Besides, professional athlete here, I am very strong, Youko. Do not worry.”</p><p> </p><p>You snort a little too loudly and for a moment, your heart stops when Oikawa pretends to drop you backwards. You pinch his cheeks in retaliation, and he lets out an unflattering yelp. The teasing never stops.</p><p> </p><p>You fall into another period of tranquilness, embracing the way the sun soaks your skin and the sound of waves rolling onto shore. It’s been a while since you visited the beach despite living in California. It’s nice to have an excuse to finally go.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa is first to break the silence this time, something that starts out as an innocent question. “How have you and Iwa-chan been?”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, we’ve been good. I practically see him every day since he wants to make sure I’m eating and all that. You know how he is,” you add. “It’s just a few hours at night though, he’s usually busy during the day.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, he told me that.”</p><p> </p><p>You frown slightly, craning your neck to the side to get a better read on Oikawa. “Do you guys talk often? I didn’t realize.”</p><p> </p><p>“We text here and there. Usually it’s short, but it’s whatever. Sometimes it’s just pictures or voice notes because we’re too lazy to type.”</p><p> </p><p>You give Oikawa an incredulous look in which he doesn’t notice, your face is just a blur in his peripherals. “And you didn’t think of sending me anything?”</p><p> </p><p>“Nah. I didn’t want you to send me pictures of Ushiwaka,” he says lightly, but you know it’s not actually a joke.</p><p> </p><p>You scoff, resting your chin on Oikawa’s shoulder. The thought of Ushijima brings you into a different kind of mood.</p><p> </p><p>“They would’ve been quite depressing to be honest,” you mutter, your clearest memories of him being his olive-coloured orbs appearing to be completely devoid of emotion. His slumped form when he sat up in bed in the mornings. His pained face when he was trying to stand up on his own for the first time. You’re not sure when those images became your most vivid memories of him.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa pauses, letting the meaning of your words sink in. He isn’t <em>that</em> insensitive after all. “How has his recovery been going?” he asks genuinely, almost a little too seriously.</p><p> </p><p>You sigh. “I don’t know,” you say, your voice trailing. “From the last Schweiden post I saw, it looks like he’s playing on the court again. He hasn’t played a game yet though.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa pauses momentarily to look at you, completely taken aback by your response. “What do you mean <em>‘from the last Schweiden post you saw?’</em> He’s your boyfriend, don’t you talk to the guy?” he jabs playfully.</p><p> </p><p>It’s an honest question, you know that. It doesn’t hurt any less though. You nod dumbly, knowing Oikawa can feel your head bob slightly to his question. He can probably feel how stiff and uncomfortable you’ve gotten. He’s always been good at reading people after all.</p><p> </p><p>He takes your silence as a response and doesn’t press the matter. He knows if you wanted to talk about it, you would.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe you should start considering what makes you happy, Youko,” he states rather seriously. “That includes <em>who</em> makes you happy too.”</p><p> </p><p>You’re left speechless at his words, the meaning hidden behind them really resonating with you. Are you happy right now? Yes. Is it because you’re in a new country living out your dream? Yes. Is it because you’re with Iwaizumi and new friends that make you happy? Yes.</p><p> </p><p>You miss Ushijima, and you remember how beautifully your love blossomed. He makes you happy, doesn’t he? That’s why you’re still dating. Isn’t it?</p><p> </p><p>“Are you happy here with Iwa-chan?” Oikawa’s asks, startling you out of your thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, of course I am,” you admit fondly. It’s been nice being with your best friend, someone who understands everything about you.</p><p> </p><p>“Happier than when you were with Ushiwaka?” Oikawa asks carefully. He’s aware he’s treading into a dangerous topic.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” you counter.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s not supposed to be a complicated question,” Oikawa states in a matter-of-fact tone. He bounces you higher on his hips again and continues to walk casually as if he didn’t just ask a loaded question. “Do you feel more like yourself here? Because from what you’ve told me, and what Iwa-chan’s mentioned, you’ve been happier here. Free, almost.”</p><p> </p><p>The thought puzzles you honestly. You noticed your mental health improving since starting school here in America, but you always thought it was because of the opportunity. Not because of a… person.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve been happier here,” you agree. “But I wouldn’t say it’s because I’m with Hajime instead of Wakatoshi. I still love Wakatoshi even if you don’t like him, Tooru.”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa sighs and grips the back of your thighs more firmly. “I know you love him, Youko. Anyone who sees the two of you together could see that,” he says honestly. “And anyone who saw you and Iwa-chan together could see that he loves you, <em>a lot</em>. And you love him too, you just don’t let yourself admit it.”</p><p> </p><p>Your throat tightens in utter shock at the apparent <em>‘facts’</em> being thrown at you all at once. You’re overwhelmed by the number of things you have to process leaving you a stuttering mess.</p><p> </p><p>“I-I mean I love Hajime, but not… like what you’re saying,” you rebut, utterly dumbfounded by the comment.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, keep telling yourself the same thing you’ve been telling yourself the last 5 years,” Oikawa scoffs.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, don’t joke about this, Tooru. That’s not funny,” you counter sternly.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not joking, Youko. I mean it.” Oikawa suddenly squats to lower you on the ground, a firm grip on your forearm to brace your weight and ensure you’re offloading the cut on your foot. His gaze is intense when he looks at you, and you admit you’ve never seen him like this since the last volleyball game you saw him play in.</p><p> </p><p>“You should really think about who’s making you happy, like genuinely happy. You said it yourself; you’ve been exponentially happier here. Iwa-chan’s been supporting you in everything you do with a full heart. I know Ushiwaka loves you, but has he supported you 100%? Has he ever put your goals over his? Has he made sacrifices for <em>you</em>?”</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa’s accusing tone slaps you in the face, <em>hard</em>. It’s the first time someone’s ever made you question the integrity of your relationship, breaking it down bit by bit forcing you to realize why it just didn’t feel <em>right</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Oikawa’s forced you to open Pandora’s box and the dirty truths that litter your mind could never possibly be swallowed down at this point. You never wanted to admit these problematic truths you knew deep in your heart. It only becomes a problem once someone admits it is.</p><p> </p><p>You had that terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach for a long time, but you’ve never tried to understand why it was there in the first place. <em>Time will make it go away</em>, you kept telling yourself.</p><p> </p><p>Well, it didn’t.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Someone mentioned they wanted Oikawa back and tbh I missed him too so here he is one last time! Writing Youko &amp; Oikawa interactions are super fun for me and I hope you equally enjoyed reading it :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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